Why do I always believe the lies?

Why do I always believe the lies? Why do I always believe the bullshit about how things are going to change… and this and that just won’t happen again. As I layed in a hospital bed last saturday night and sunday morning on my own I knew in my head then that I just couldn’t put myself through this anymore.

The argument began on friday night when once again he bought cannabis into my flat, his attitude absolutely stinks. Saturday he sheepishly rings me, and I don’t answer straight away and eventually I give in. I get it all, AGAIN! How he was in the wrong, he’s going to prove it to me, how he wasn’t being fair and he means it this time he won’t bring it to my flat. He tells me he will come see me after work. 7pm comes and he’s no where to be seen, I ring him and it’s like he’s a different person. This time it’s on his terms again, ‘yeh I’ll come later’, this cuts like a knife. 26 weeks pregnant nearly and he has absolutely no respect for me once again, leaves me for 2nd best because smoking weed with his so called friends is more important. He then tells me that ‘why should he bother since I told him I didn’t want to see him,’ excuse me?? Does he not understand the term making up to do?!?

It kicks off bad once again, his vile words screaming at me down the phone, telling me he doesn’t want to be around someone like me. Someone like me?? Is he serious?? What have I done?? … I pack all his things… all of them. 3 bin bags , so not alot since he wasn’t staying here much anyway and in my anxious fuelled state I begged my friend to come to me. She wasn’t long and I keep ringing him, he just bare faced ignoring my calls. Him knowing the kind of state Im getting myself into, so I use her phone. I tell him I have his stuff, he switches up ‘baby I said I was coming to see you in a bit,’ No NO NO I am not having him try change that on me. He was rude, obnoxious and made me feel worthless. I have never felt so low in MY LIFE!! He wouldn’t come meet me and screamed at my to ‘shut up you fucking dickhead.’ He was on speakerphone and my friend removed his bags from her car and put them in his nans porch. The anger and disgust on her face says it all. I just sat in the passenger seat my heart killing me once again. All because I wanted a little of his time!! The time he had promised me since he was in the wrong the night before.

We speak again in 5 minutes and he tells me his battery went dead. Convenient time for your battery to die when he had just told me to f’ing shut up. He then said I was nothing to him for doing that to his stuff. How if anything was damaged he would slash my tyres. How I don’t respect him. I’m at this point pleading with him to just see me. Pleading that I hated arguing and I can’t take anymore, I really really can’t. I tell him how I love him so much and I need him. I even said I need to go to the hospital and wanted him with me. He told me that I was just testing him and he ‘doesn’t want to be around me ‘ at the moment. I hadn’t felt right for weeks and I get myself so wound up I needed a professional. He loves to tell me , how I’m the one stressing out HIS baby. Emotional and mental abuse. I go to the maternity unit at 9;30pm , I’m a mess. The midwives were soooo lovely to me and it only made me cry even more. They sensed a very unsupportive partner, they sensed a problem and they have a duty to act. Safeguarding. The state I’m in with high blood pressure and ketones in my urine they won’t let me go. The ketones indicating dehydration and no food. Oh yeh I had forgotten to eat… I thought I would be eating with him and once the arguing started I completely forgot that I hadn’t eaten. Stress and anxiety does that to me. I keep a hell of a lot from the midwives, about how I know he’s still dealing, how he’s punched me previously when out of it on alcohol and cannabis, but I admitted he has a cannabis problem. I admitted he uses emotional and mental abuse on me.

Midnight came and I’m still waiting for the blood test results. My friend had gone at this stage and I’m trying to ring him. It just keeps ringing… I keep trying… trying again and again. Thinking he’s probably drunk in town and he’ll see it soon. But nope. 1am comes and my battery goes dead and the hospital decide to keep me. I ask if it’s ok to go home but it wasn’t unless I had someone around to take care of me. I didn’t!

I got hardly any sleep. A lady opposite was having contractions every 15 minutes and by abut 4:30am she was wheeled off to have her baby. Nurses and midwives had to come round and do all their checks on me and baby. I just laid in the bed thinking how I had never felt so alone. Morning came and I was told how I should be able to go at 8am. That came and went and still no signs of being able to leave. Another lady opposite me sounded so cheery and upbeat. She was around 32 weeks and waters had started going. She had her phone and was making conversations with her family. I heard her saying how partners are allowed to come from 10am. I had a tiny bit of hope that he would have seen the text, realised my battery was dead and bought himself to the hospital to see how I was. By the time midday came I knew that wasn’t happening. The other women had their partners around but not me. I lay there feeling so embarrassed and ashamed. Once again so worthless and unloved. Luckily my friend came at midday and she bought me breakfast and a nice sugary drink. I genuinely don’t know where I would be without her. She listens to all this and doesn’t judge. I can’t tell anyone else or they would just tell me to leave him… as is what is happening now. I finally get out at 2:30pm and I can charge my phone. I have NOTHING! Nothing at all from him. Nearly 3pm and eventually a text from him ‘I’m sooo sorry baby. I left my phone in a mates car are you ok’.. I don’t respond. He then calls me from withheld I explain I don’t want him near me. I need some time away from him. He doesn’t take no for an answer. Texts. Phone calls. He even gets his friend to ring me. (who by the way thinks he’s being an absolutely disrespectful ass). Because I say no to seeing him the emotional abuse starts again ‘You’re pushing man away’, ‘you’re stressing out my baby’ … I’ve just spent 18 hours in hospital and this is what he has!?!?!

I pull up at my home with my friend and I am really sticking to my guns. I DON’T want to see him!!! We are sat in the car all of 3 minutes and after a text saying ‘your all I want’, it feels better but no way makes up for it he’s stood there at the car window. He has a gift in his hand and that sorry look on his face. I needed him to help carry the crib upstairs I had just bought 2nd hand and there it was … he was back IN! He then couldn’t apoligise enough. He was devastated he wasn’t there. He couldn’t imagine how I was feeling.

I was so tired we ended up just falling asleep and I took him to work on Monday morning. Monday evening came and I was once again wishing I had never let him get away with it so easy. This argument began because he wanted me to lend him £80 for some earrings. His priorities are in the wrong place. I had just spent £70 on our daughter and he’s wanting that sort of money for some earrings?! I explain no , but that isn’t good enough.He tells me how he knows I won’t have his back. How he’s always helped me out if I didn’t have money for food?! (Not sure how that’s the same) and how realistically I owe him these earrings anyway. It spirals. Once again World War 3 and it escalates into the street where he grabs my phone off me and following me on his bike whilst I am silent. ‘You are not well’, he’s telling me, ‘Do you actually need some help’, ‘What is wrong with you?’ , just different variations of knocking me down emotionally whilst I just have to take it! I want to get away but without a phone it makes me feel stupidly anxious. I’m begging him to just give me my phone back, he’s mocking my crying in the street. Tells me if I don’t stop he will just smash it up. How I’m being ridiculous and crying like someone had died over a phone. I wish all this emotion was just over a phone. I WISH!! Eventually he gives me my phone back but chucks it in my face. It hurt but it’s nothing like the pain of how I feel when he can just talk to me the way he does. An hour passes and he comes back and says sorry. How we need to work together and he understands now that I didn’t have the money and once again I accept it and we go shopping like nothing has happened.

Tuesday wasn’t so bad. He did ‘pop to the shop’ and come back 2 and a half hours later though with a dead phone which really is not acceptable. He acknowledges this however as he always does but I rather not have the arguments.

Wednesday morning he made a scene. It was ok when he was awake trying to help me wake my daughter but because 10 minutes before we were due to leave she was playing in my room he kicked off. About how HE was trying to sleep  and how HE hasn’t had a day off for weeks. He tells me how I had a day off all week, yet he fails to remember I wake up everyday to take him to work and drag my little girl out of bed in the process also. A whole hour earlier than I would usually wake for the school run. How can one person be so selfish? He forgets what people do for him and cannot bite his tongue for all of 10 minutes and just wait to sleep when we leave. I was told again to shut up and he can’t stand my voice. I just left! After the school run he was explaining how he was hoping probation would agree his trip to Amsterdam. I don’t think he has a brain. He certainly doesn’t have a conscience. We departed on OK terms. Wednesday evening I saw him for about 10 minutes . He was pleasant told me he was popping out though. I then get a text saying he was with his nan, it was a nice text and so then we agreed he should just stay at his nans. It was getting late. It was nice. Some peace and quiet.

It brings us to today. Thursday! Well in fact now is friday at 3:42am but these are the events which happened on Thursday. I text him early explaining how he needs to come sort out his chickens, random ha but he bought some chickens to season and he replied with ok baby will do. 1pm came and I tried to ring as I had already asked what time since I was off out. I didn’t get an answer. I didn’t hear a peep out of him till he answered my phone call at around 7pm. His greeting was rude and abrupt. He tried to say it wasn’t but it was. Well it certainly isn’t how I wish to be greeted by my man who I hadn’t spoke to all day. I had been with my dad this evening. I admitted to him he’s back on cannabis and my dad is telling me to fuck him off. My Lord if he knew the true extent… the violence, his vile attitude towards me, the disappearing acts, the dealing… I seriously would NEVER be able to EVER bring him to my dads house again. He has always liked him and believes everyone deserves a second chance but he just cannot comprehend the fact he would turn back to smoking drugs with a baby on the way. Knowing he keeps bringing cannabis into my house made him very angry. His granddaughter is precious to him, he tells me how he has no respect for me if he does that. I can only agree.

Whilst we are on the phone and he’s telling me I am beautiful and how he’s coming to sort out the chickens later he then starts an arguement with someone in the street. From my end all I could make out was someone nearly hit him whilst he was on his bike in his car. He’s screaming at this person to get out the car. He hangs up on me. When did my boyfriend turn into such a violent thug?!?! I’m ringing him up panicking about what situation he’s got himself in too. I say ‘why are you starting on people for?’…… his response is ‘shut up you fucking dickhead, you don’t know what is happening , tut get off my fucking line man’ and hangs up! What the actual HELL?!?!? How does he keep switching up on me like this. He eventually answers again… I want to know he’s ok. This time he’s screaming that i don’t understand racism and I am unsupportive and to once again get off his line. He’s not answering my calls. I get so angry again I want him out my life. I take his stuff to his nans. His dad is there and we talk for about 40 mins.

It’s 4am and he’s just buzzed my door. He is actually insane. He has grazes everywhere and hobbling about yet me asking him whats happened is a problem. He is just vile. I want him to leave!!!