This time last year

Really bad week this week, like a weird crazy emotion in my head. I keep imagining being hit by a man, a different man to my ex. I imagine and feel how that would feel, then I remember the times I was hit for real. The most recent time was one of the worst, hit so hard I dropped a little as my knees sunk. I engage in conversation with a man and half expect him to turn round and call me a fucking dickhead for any reason. Il

This time last year was truly awful. I was being cheated on constant, could never say anything right, tip toeing around him like I was so desperate for him to not kick off and leave me again. He would attack me repeatedly until I snapped. The states I got into were truly horrifying, he was miserable most of the time and when I even mentioned that I was buying his Christmas present he actually laughed down the phone and called me a liar. I felt so happy that I was in a relationship and buying my man a present but his reaction was absolutely heartbreaking and unnecessary. How pathetic I was!

I remember going to Bicester shopping for the day, the whole day he was in a foul mood and he kicked off at me for acting weird or something like that. He loved to tell me I was embarrassing him or making a scene but the only person ever making a scene was him. I was trying to buy him a hat and scarf set on the sly but since he verbally attacked me and completely belittled me it didn’t happen. Once we got back to Northampton and I was explaining what I was doing he mocked me some more and laughed in my face and told me lying wasn’t a good thing. It went on for about 20 minutes, I had made plans to meet my friend but he ordered me to take him to pick ‘something up’, trying to explain to him that I was late anyway and so I would drop him off wasn’t going down too well. He stayed in the car for a further 10 minutes explaining that I needed to wait for him, he wasn’t taking no for an answer, wouldn’t let me drive off. When he finally got out the car I had to go, he threw his whole coffee at my car. Later, it was me then apologising to him. He was just so so nasty. There are so many more scenarios like this just going round and round my head. When will it stop? When will I stop thinking about it all.

This is all because he’s asked for contact. I feel so fucking angry, no you can’t see your daughter. How dare you! When you’ve done all you’ve done, rather be dealing drugs and in another girls bed than being with your daughter. You deliberately wanted to destroy me and carried on destroying me when you should have been with your daughter. Chose another girl over me , three times! When just a few hours prior to this was telling me we were your world. I hear the words he spoke constantly in my head, one most recently when I suspected he had someone else which of course he point blank refused he told me he only went elsewhere before because I was too fat for him! God he’s so fucking vile.

‘I hate you’ ‘you make me sick’ ‘you will never be more than just a beat’ ‘slag’ . I need these words to stop! I want to talk to him! I want to say so much! I need help.

I just told M that if he never went to jail I would have left him long time ago. Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t. I remember having the conversation with my friend (who my ex hated me being friends with and now I’m not). She said if he was out you’d go see him and I agreed. I would have. I cried on the phone call, he told me I am strong. Even that reminds me of the narcissistic ex. Praising me for being so strong, telling me he doesn’t know how I coped with a new baby and knowing he wasn’t coming home. EVERYTHING is stuck there in my head I need help. If it wasn’t for my girls I would rather not be here, rather not deal with all this, rather not try and heal. Just not be here would be good!