The night before Christmas 🎄

I feel like my anxiety is getting worse. The flashbacks are getting stronger and my mind won’t just bloody shut up!

I just saw a pampers advert which had many women in labour. The hospital, the machines, the vivid memories shot back to me and my heart aches bad! The abusive moody man whilst I was waiting to be induced, the man who cried uncontrollably when he held our daughter for the first time, the trauma I went through with an emergency c-section and to then later find out he had a whole other relationship and would have went to her the night I gave birth! Cheating scumbag! I just want good memories of my baby being born, my beautiful little baby.

I did some walking today, again the memories of the times I was on maternity leave. The times it was oh so raw, my mind going overdrive thinking of all the bad negative stuff he put me through and how much I want to scream in his face. I can imagine him playing victim this weekend. Well Mr Abuser remember this, last year I woke up on Christmas Eve not knowing where you was! Christmas Eve night you kept popping out and playing games completely ruining my evening. Promising an evening of Chinese food and games but your road life was far more important. You chose last year and you chose to not be a family, you deserve nothing but loneliness and pain!

So I may be sad I don’t have my little family this Christmas but I have something real! No chaos, no hurtfulness, no lies, no deceit and he can play victim all he likes but this is ALL his fault!