Roll on the summer ..

Two weeks ago things were good. I remember it quite vividly, it was a Friday morning and he had sent me a reel on Instagram and we spoke about how we’d act in the situation that the couple in the reel was. He had me laughing at my phone, making me smile .. making me feel wanted and we just vibed so well. This incident wasn’t isolated. I genuinely couldn’t believe how well we were getting on. He was interested in my day to day life, always engaging and we never once argued about anything. For someone with an anxious attachment style I felt pretty secure and happy.

Not arguing was huge for me, the last one who my last blog was about always seemed to argue and often it seemed like it was with himself and so when he said ‘fuck this I can’t deal with your snowflake mentality it’s ridiculous’ , I didn’t even care. I was done anyway. As much as he bought me flowers, was keen to actually build something , he was just far too opinionated and toxic for me. I couldn’t see how we could get past some of his views and manipulative behaviours. I only gave him a chance because he was so persistent and decided I needed to stop shutting men out. I don’t regret it but he definitely wasn’t for me.

I remember matching this latest one back end of 2020. I was getting over another entanglement that knocked me for six and whilst I enjoyed his conversation I was very reluctant to meet him. I didn’t want to meet anyone. That obviously showed and the conversation just dwindled. Since then there were a few replies to stories on social media but nothing that made me want to even engage on a level again. The chase , we shall call it, started again beginning of November and of course I felt flattered with the love heart emojis that were sent to my selfies but since I was seeing the argumentative one I didn’t engage too much. When argue man exited himself from my life I entertained it more thinking how I didn’t want anything deep but it was an enjoyable distraction. End of December we finally met. I must add here that once again it was him who initiated this. I went into it not expecting anything deep but when he kept coming back and initiating conversations, naturally I got closer and closer to him.

Something only started to feel different after he crashed his car a week last Monday, obviously I was silently adamant I must have done something because of course I always blame myself, but I was very conscious to not make it about me or even ask if it was about me. Wednesday evening I asked if everything was okay and he voicenoted me back saying he owed me an apology and that his head was just a bit gone. We had a nice conversation again and I was satisfied that it wasn’t me and just generally he was off in his man cave. I gave him a lot of space, I didn’t want to bug him and albeit we still communicated there were a couple of times we went over 24 hours not speaking. Which comparing it to the previous 7 weeks was very alien.

Fast forward to this Wednesday morning I asked how he was feeling and told him that I missed him. I knew this could either prompt him to end it or get a conversation but I needed answers. I felt in limbo, didn’t know where I stood and I felt sad.

His reply told me that he literally wants his own company when he feels this way, he’s not eating well and the message genuinely started like he wanted to end it , however he then ended the message with lots of questions about me. I replied although confused and ended my message telling him that I cared for him and that I hope he feels better soon because I had bought him some sweets for Valentine’s Day that I wanted to give to him.

I hand on my heart did not expect a reply. I was expecting it to be the start of the end and I gave myself the pep talk. I didn’t even ask him a question completely giving him the opportunity to shut the conversation down. I was fully prepared then to say goodbye.

Few hours passed and he sent another message, I felt sick once again so sure this was going to be the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ fuck off please message I was fearing would come. It wasn’t. More conversation and was also told that he cares for me too and would come get the sweets soon. I was shocked but it felt good, I knew I could give him the space he needs and I’d be there when he was ready.

Conversation continued and that evening he came to see me after work. He had said work was likely to finish early and tipsy me just asked if he was in a ‘I want my own company mood.’ He wasn’t, didn’t need to be asked twice and told me he’d come. It was a complete rollercoaster of emotions day but it ended perfectly. I cuddled him, told him I’d be there for him, it was the usual intimate passionate affectionate sex that had me so drawn to him and whilst annoyed I had been blaming myself for the past week I felt confident again.

Less than 48 hours later I get a message out the blue telling me he’s struggling, he’s got a lot of personal issues he needs to deal with, he’s going to go quiet, he can’t deal with conversation but still “wants to play COD from time time and that”. (Dafuq) It said it wasn’t personal at all and hoped I understood.

My reply was a lot calmer than what it should have been, because no I don’t fucking understand. I don’t at all. Why on earth push good people away from your life when times are tough? When he had plenty of opportunity to end it on Wednesday but instead came to my bed and let me believe he cared for me. How is that not selfish? How is that not messing with my head? I did tell him he shouldn’t have seen me Wednesday and I hope he feels that! I hope he knows that. You can’t treat people like that, and whilst I actually do respect him for being honest rather than me being an idiot waiting around for him I am certain he must have knew this before sleeping with me on Wednesday!

I’ve cried a lot this evening , last night we spoke like normal and I wasn’t even planning on reaching out to him today as I was out this evening so it came literally randomly. Him just making a conscious decision to mug me off like that. It’s very hard to not take it personally, I know I’m told men do deal with things like this but if he actually wanted me regardless of how he was feeling, he wouldn’t want to let me go.

So I feel not good enough, I feel fucking stupid getting him a valentines gift. I feel angry for sleeping with him less than 48 hours ago. I feel rejected especially after telling him I’d be there for him and it just simply isn’t enough.

I guess the fact I wasn’t seeing him for long is a good thing and that I didn’t really see a future. Although right now I’m just collecting those heartbreak cards. Didn’t even allow myself to get close enough to anyone in the majority of 2021 after 2020s heartbreak and that 2020 guy was the first since my abusive ex destroyed me between 2016 and 2017. I won’t give up hope though, I refuse too but I do need to have some time out before I even consider letting anyone in again!!

I work on myself (some more) , I get feeling good for the summer, and enjoy all the positive stuff in my life and yes whilst I don’t need a man… I would like one. Xx

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