I really should have written more. My last post was back in January and more recently I remember how good writing used to make me feel. Well, perhaps good is the wrong word, but it certainly made me feel better about all the hardship I was enduring. It also acts as a good reminder of what I really went through, I say good this time and I do mean it. Good because at times its easy to forget how absolutely traumatic my life was at times.
I start this writing again surrounded by bin bags full of my clothes. after just 13 months at this house I am having to move again and I am pretty pissed off if I am completely honest. Greedy landlords not giving a toss about anyone else and a messed up industry leaves me pretty screwed but hey it is what it is and I have been through worse.
I haven’t spoken to my abusive ex for about 3 months now. The last phone call I had from him I didn’t let him speak and I hung up. I do wonder now what he was going to say. I found out through the grapevine he went back to prison for a bit but he’s out now and I am shocked he has walked and didn’t even contact my daughter on her birthday. In June I slept with him, I think there was 3 times in total I did this since his release last October. He spent many months telling me he wanted his family back, that he still loved me, and there were times when I felt sorry for him. I knew I didn’t want to get in to deep again and I just wanted him to maintain his relationship with my daughter. He was adamant after all that she was his, regardless and he wanted to be there for her. The reason I had to cut him off was I found out he was back with the girl he cheated on me with when I was pregnant. I was no way getting involved again in no toxic sick love triangle and it triggered a lot for me. Even without being intimate with me he would come round and see Ariana and make comments on how I looked, touched me in ways someone shouldn’t and it was dangerous. I just could not let my self fall for him again, I had come too far. His defence for shacking up with that girl was “you didn’t want me”. What is wrong with him being with someone else or simply just being alone… proving once more that he is a weak man that needs validation.
I will write more about this situation when I have the energy, but I am finding it tough again. Ariana went through a phase saying “my daddy hates me as he never wants to see me” so she is my priority right now. I found a number I had for him 2 days ago and text asking if we could talk….. and still nothing. I literally longed for this, wished so much that he would just walk but doing it now has made me angry. He shouldn’t have come out of jail and behaved like dad of the year to then just drop her like this. Begged me to keep the relationship strong and I did that despite him not deserving it at all. The worrying thing is I guess is that I know it’s likely he will pipe up sometime. Whether that’s by bumping into him or what , I don’t really know. I just need to stay strong.
Maybe I would care less if I had someone significant in my life, maybe the whole him having the skank as a girlfriend wouldn’t have got to me as much if I had someone. The problem was by me not having someone meant he was cheating on her with me and I literally am not being party to that bullshit stuff again.
I still see the rebound ex guy (I really shouldn’t) he now knows the full story of the paternity questions around Ariana. He was good to talk to, and made me feel better about the situation. I never once lied about it, and that is something I can hold me head high with to my grave. It still doesn’t make sense to me. She is soooo like him! Certain faces she makes I see him and the bond they had despite not even being together that much was very real. Is that even possible if they are not blood? From day 1 he knew the risks, right from when I was pregnant I told him, after July 2018 he believed the DNA test was faulty his mother did behind my back and was very much sure that it didn’t matter to him anyway. “She wouldn’t have been born if it wasn’t for me” and “that little girl needs a dad and that’s going to be me”.. Regardless, it currently seems I made a mistake by allowing him to mess with her poor little head. He has walked as soon as he has realised there is no chance of me and him getting back together and that’s shocking. Whilst I knew he saw us as a package I didn’t think he would do this. He was there at her birth for God sake, made me re-register her birth so she had his name (that was an awful day) and spent nearly 5 years calling himself daddy to her. How can anyone just walk? Well I know I said I’d explain more when I had more energy but that’s it in a nutshell.
It often crosses my mind that I’ve lost Ariana a daddy because I didn’t get back with him. That maybe I should have so Ariana had someone she could call daddy but then when I remind myself of what my life was like with him, she would much rather this life. She is so affectionate with me, tells me she loves me all the time and she never wants to lose me. Being a single mum does have those benefits, I am all she knows and really I need to tell myself. I am all she needs.