Tonight I had a notification that my blog had got some interest, it prompted me to write again.
I read back on the old few posts and my God it is clear how manipulative, narcissistic and truly fake the man was that I spent the majority of 2020 focused on.
What a waste of time.
So I blogged on the 12th November about his little strop and it appears now that the photo was in fact intended for someone else and that someone else was his ex!
The following day he told me it looked like he was losing his house he was due to move into in December. On that Saturday (the 14th) he was again moody and annoying, I was fed up of all his negativity especially after him sending me a video of his bike broke. The bike I helped him buy I must bloody add.
Sunday morning, early, he sent a message along the lines of ‘everything is just going wrong atm, I need to back off and focus on myself, just trust my judgement please.’ You know what, I was ready for it, I was almost past caring.. ‘Focus on himself’ that’s all he had been bloody doing! For months I had been his support, from small things like cooking him food, to even writing his cv and going through all his redundancy papers to see if he had a ‘case’. He de-briefed all his interviews to me, and I did what I could to keep his spirits high. I didn’t even reply, the ‘in case I don’t say it, happy birthday for Thursday’ made me super angry. After everything I had done and not to mention the fact I was in his bed less than a week prior to this, the selfish prick couldn’t even wish me happy birthday on the actual day! I was completely put off.
I found my distraction, 3 weeks prior, the man I blocked back in April for having a girlfriend blah blah had got a new number and text me. Yes he should have also been left in the past but in a time of vulnerability and needing to ‘get under someone else to get over him’ I replied. Within an hour he was at mine. It helped. I’ve been seeing him quite regularly since and as long as he doesn’t lie to me again, he’s a good friend, comfortable, familiar and we get on well.
Anyway I then spent many weeks thinking about C, wondering if he was ok. Clearly he was in a bad place and I felt that it was wrong of me to just ignore his message sacking me off , well no sorry ‘backing off’. I did miss him. I missed the good stuff we had. The communication, we made each other laugh daily, the proper intimacy. I did not miss the mind games and the constant nit picking and arguments he created though.
In the interests of being a good friend and just kinda wanting an explanation, I emailed him on New Year’s Day. The email didn’t ask any questions, didn’t warrant a reply if he didn’t want to and I just said whilst I was confused about the sudden drop, I hope he was ok etc etc.
The next day I had a message on Facebook from a woman, ‘my boyfriend, we are back together, thanks for being his friend’. It took me back but then I noticed the name. It was his ex. The same woman he was telling me was crazy, that he actually doesn’t know what he ever saw in her. “She was difficult” and “absolutely did not want her back” amongst many other things. I honestly had no inkling he would ever ever go back there. He called the police on her a few months prior, apparently she hacked his phone, and they only communicated via her sister. He warned me a couple of times that she may message me as she knew who I was. It’s pretty laughable when you really think about it. Either he’s a complete liar or their relationship is truly truly toxic, well either way it’s toxic.
I don’t even feel sad about it. I feel bitter and angry though. How fucking dare he use me for 10 months whilst still stringing the mother of his child along. He’s a coward, a liar and the lowest of the low. To think I actually thought he was ‘too nice’ and not really my type. Big fat LOL. We were still connected on LinkedIn so I told him what I thought there via direct message and blocked him. I explained to her I wasn’t the enemy, I’ve actually done nothing wrong. Whilst she tried to tell me he doesn’t ‘owe me the truth’ I told her that he actually owes her it. If he had just told me I would have never emailed him, certainly wouldn’t have spent all that time concerned about his fucking mental health. How embarrassing that she had to find me on Facebook to message me too. Who are these people ? Are they even adults?!
The complete shit that came out of his mouth, it’s all fucking laughable really. It’s taught me some lessons so I can’t call it all a complete waste of time. I just need to always trust my gut. Granted the ‘back with the crazy ex who made him feel trapped and had no feelings for’ was a shock but I’m pretty certain, if she’s crazy it’s because he drove her there. Man, he slowly started to drive me there and I’m fucking GLAD he’s with someone else. I have no doubt in my mind he’ll pop up back on tinder some time in the future. I can’t imagine I would be ok with knowing my man had another intimate relationship with another woman, she isn’t stupid she knows he cared about me. You don’t spend that long unless there is something there. My friend said that so many women can just forget as long as they have that idealistic ‘perfect relationship’ as a front. She’s probably right, I know I couldn’t deal with it.
I wish I could get past how bitter I feel though. I don’t cry, I don’t feel heartbreak … I literally just feel angry about the whole story. It’s unbelievable and the disrespect is next level. He isn’t even a man, he’s selfish, a coward, thinks he’s better than everyone else and I hope he’s miserable in the long run. If he had said ‘you deserve a good life, you’re a great girl blah blah , I’m sorry but I’m going to give it another try’. I would have respected him a HELL of a lot more and not wish bad on him.
Anyway I downloaded tinder again and have a good conversation going on. Trying to find that is like gold dust these days. I still have my FWB too which is helping me during lockdown.
I doubt 2021 I will meet my husband with the way the world is but I definitely can work on my self. I live my dating life through some friends, and the man pool really isn’t too great 😌
Behind These Bluest Eyes 
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