Rollercoaster

It really is a rollercoaster of emotions. I still can’t get it out my head, I’m sure I’m not expected too either. I felt good this morning. I read a lot of my old blogs and reminded me of all the pain he put me through. I sure as hell know this is the only way to get my life back. Then I started to feel like I missed him this evening, that addiction was coming back. So much I want to say to him but it was always so pointless anyway. His mother really has fucked it with me too. How dare she do what she did!! Over some clothes ?? I planned to send pictures of baby through the post, keep in contact that way until I was strong enough to be involved with them again. No way now. No way!! I understand blood is thicker than water but she had no reason to get involved. My parents haven’t and he deserves it! Ironic since he always used to tell me how embarrassing I was that I spoke to people. Whose the embarrassment now?! I sleep knowing I haven’t done anything wrong, this will eat her up for the rest of her life knowing she raised a monster. She raised an animal who has no boundaries and no respect. I’m sure she’ll have plenty more grandchildren the way he puts it about! Disgusting! Shameful!

Even though I have read a lot about narcissists it still doesn’t make sense. I still fail to get my head around it. I did blame myself a lot, and I appreciate I hurt him but his behaviour is not a reflection on that. His chose shotting drugs over me, over me and his daughter! That’s what it all boils down too.

I’m fucking fabulous and he’s a fucking fool! He will hurt more than me, for the rest of his life. I go from love and sad to hate and disgust determined to make him pay. He’ll play the victim though of course he will, his next target, his next supply he’ll use the sob story of his bitter baby mum that stopped him from seeing his child. Failing to leave out the daily insults, the daily disrespect, the bruises, the lies and the fact I loved him with all my heart. I just got pushed far far too much, I needed out. I needed to breathe. How can he hold me so tight one minute, be so sure that he could die for me, adamant that the love is insane then the next minute make me feel like I’m nothing. Flip on me without even so much as a warning! What did I do to deserve it?

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