It’s the weekend and I wake early. I could try and sleep some more but too much on my mind as per usual!!
I feel so swamped with everything I need to do and want to achieve that I’m not doing any of it!! I can’t wait to start using my bullet journal. I’m hoping that is my answer to just getting shit done! I have always been very visual, loving lists, charts and colours so we shall see.
Things I will include
- Uni stuff
- Personal development reading
- Sleep tracker
- Steps tracker
- Exercise and half marathon training
I’m sure there will be other stuff when I get started. I no longer want to feel fat and unfit. I no longer want to feel so bogged down I can’t see clearly and I certainly want to combat this PTSD I have. I’m waiting on the NHS to get back to me with that too.
I found a picture of me when I was training a lot, pre baby and pre all this bullshit. That’s the me I want back physically, mentally I want to be better than I have ever been. And I will! I haven’t been to the gym all week because the events on Monday just knocked it all out of me but I’ve got this.
So I was being silly with the man the other night, he had left his phone at work and it wasn’t that I had done something wrong at all. I guess I am just used to always being in the wrong for one thing or another.
I feel like I’m in love with M or is it that I just love him as a friend. I don’t feel like I am capable of making a proper decision over my feelings towards him right now.
Is it just because he’s unavailable to me and so I want him? Sounds about right for me. Is it just because he’s being nice to me and I’m not used to that? He always was when we were seeing each other before, he’s familiar, he’s kind. He knows me inside out. He knows I’ve made mistakes. He knows I seek out attention from men when I feel low and guess what, doesn’t abuse me for it. He doesn’t abuse me for anything I do. He is genuinely interested in my day, my work, my studies. Always has been. In 2015 he helped me revise, he listened to me recite cases just so they would stick in my head. He made effort to see me, when we didn’t see each other we spoke on the phone. I guess right now he’s the only person I can compare my ex too so my feelings are heightened for him. He isn’t promising a fairytale ending either. He simply tells me he will always be there for me and as long as I’m happy so is he. Life is most certainly a journey, but right now I am glad he is still in my life. Even though it is just via the phone.
This morning I have a meeting with my solicitor/ fellow networker. I’m hoping after getting my side of the story out to her I will feel better. Like a huge weight has been lifted. For telling that many lies, I want and need all the help I can get. Him and his family are not sane and are not safe to be around my baby.
How do you keep organised? Do you bullet journal? Let me know xx