One of my favourite sayings and one I choose to live by now. I let someone dull my sparkle for too long. I had a breakthrough yesterday, the pack of lies isn’t bothering me so much now. Why should it? It’s all lies and that’s obvious. I got some closure I needed and it’s settled me.
All I need to do now is work on erasing the nasty memories from my head. I hate how I vision the pregnant me following him up the road begging him to not leave me on my own. We had been out for food (after failed promises), he wasn’t very nice to me but at least we were together. I remember it being summer, he then made an argument out of nothing and said he couldn’t be around me. I followed him, whilst he told me I was embarrassing, needy and pathetic. I threatened suicide, I was so so lonely. He just kept pushing me away, telling me to get off him. All I wanted was to not feel lonely and worthless anymore. This happened so many times.
I believe sometimes my body and mind is missing the chaos. I relive it because it’s what I’m used to. I relive it because it was so significant in my life and it’s all I know.
I had a moment on Thursday where I thought ‘omg one day I may go back to him.’ Then I snapped out of it and realised NO. Ive come far too far now and that’s one of the reasons why I went so public. I needed to protect myself from EVER GOING BACK. My breakthrough yesterday though has changed my thought process with child contact. We will see. The whole process of being accused of ‘parent alienation’ and more bitterness makes the journey seem a hell of a lot harder. However that’s as long as he is responsible enough to be a father, that will require some major changes.
I’ve slept today, and chilled out. Tonight I’m off out with my sister. I probably should get my essays done but oh well…
Xxx
Behind These Bluest Eyes 