My experiences in an abusive relationship taught me a lot, it taught me to trust my gut, protect my heart and sadly rightly or wrongly have that guard up when meeting a new man.
When I first met this one back in July 2018, he was a bit of an overlap with my ex. I went into it not expecting anything, probably no more than a one night thing but fast forward to now and it’s ended. Ended very sourly. I have blocked him on everything and it really is boy bye. I have dealt with worse, and everything in life is a lesson. I have now learnt something cannot go on that long without it ending toxic especially with a fuck boy and that I have made a mistake in thinking or telling myself I was ok with that set up.
Whilst on the face of it, he showed kindness. He felt like a friend, so different to what my ex was like I have now learnt there are massive similarities.
Over these past 21 months there has been mixed messages, I have at times felt like I was the one to have stopped it from developing into a relationship because HE made me feel that way. “You never call me,” “If it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t see each other,” and my favourite after I admitted I had no feelings for him anymore “Why didn’t you tell me when you started to get feelings who know what could have happened.”
We had that type of situationship where we were honest about seeing others, he once admitted he had a girlfriend early on when he was at my house which took me back a bit but I thought how it couldn’t be that serious and just thought yuck and didn’t see him again for a while. Then back end of last year he was very certain that he no longer had a girlfriend, we even spoke about how cheating is a form of abuse and I said I am not ok with doing that to another girl. Broad as daylight he claimed he has never cheated, when pointing out to him he did with me he laughed it off and said ‘that’s different, it’s you. You will always be in my life.’ These types of men have very different standards to what is morally accepted in society, he didn’t see that he had cheated on his then girlfriend because it was with me… nonsensical.
Despite knowing I didn’t want him like that, knowing I would never trust him, thinking it had gone on too long for it to be anything and always playing this particular fuck boy at his own game. He had started to get in my head. He called me his girl, stating that one day I will be when I dismissed him. Questioning who I was with if I didn’t reply to his calls, the amount of times he would call me back to back if I didn’t answer. Not take no for an answer if he wanted to see me a particular day. Spent time with my kids, spent the day with me just chilling, told me it wasn’t just sex. There have been many times he questioned whether I would just get back with my ex when he is released from jail and I genuinely thought that perhaps this did concern him.
Something didn’t add up and I trusted my gut, lockdown allowing me to think more. Remembering how I felt with my ex when things really didn’t make sense and he has been taking up far too much of my head space. I blogged about it here You’re fluent in lies, excuses and bullshit.. when I started to connect the dots. The girl who had rang him back to back whilst he was in bed with me also put love hearts under his picture on Facebook. After seeing this, I sent a whatsapp message to tell him he was a mug, no longer welcome and to leave me alone. I blocked him, but next day he snapchatted me convincing me I had it all wrong. I believed him at the time, and that evening he told me he loved me, told me I best get used to him being around more, sharing my bed with him. Kissing my back, cuddling me all night. Why would I not believe him?
Until I was alone again, so so convinced I was right but no idea how to prove it. I really didn’t want to get involved in telling girls things, and he had previously invited me to ask her (why do that if he had something to hide ey lol) but for my own sanity, my own clarity I just had to.
Anyway I had seen before I was mutual friends with a girl I knew so she was my only option of finding out for sure. Funnily when I went to message her they were no longer mutual friends and my suspicion is that he removed her so I perhaps wouldn’t see the link. Too late fucker!
I asked her how she knew him and yes all my concerns were confirmed. Whilst apparently only making it ‘official’ last week they have been seeing each other since August and got quite serious in October. I told her everything, shared with her the snaps I had saved where he denied the girlfriend and also worked out I definitely did drop him at her house once after he had spent the day with me! Looking back, at the time I knew it felt strange and remember going to bed that night thinking what if I had dropped him at another girls house. I even asked him! Shows again…. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. I wasn’t being paranoid because of my experiences, I was fucking right!
Not long after I exposed him, he tried to call, I cancelled and text him to leave me alone and blocked. The problem with today is when you block someone you have to ensure you block on so many platforms. I see him typing on snapchat I leave it, knowing I couldn’t deal with any abuse or hate he wanted to throw at me at that time. Facebook.. blocked. Instagram.. unfollowed. Thankfully the mutual friend was very nice to me, sometimes I think girls can react a type of way but she was very appreciative that I had told her. She said that they had all seen red flags before and that this all now confirms it with his disgusting behaviour.
Yesterday whilst on a social distance walk with my youngest sister I wanted to get rid of the notification on snapchat, so I prompted her to open it. It was worse than expected.
See the thing with exposing these fuck boys they project all their wrong doings on to someone else. Despite repeatedly telling him he didn’t have to worry I wasn’t going to tell her, he pushed me too far with his gaslighting. I am too smart for that stuff now, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t need confirmation. The ONLY way to win in your own mind is that confirmation or they will convince you that you are paranoid and going mad. Equally I didn’t want him to get away with what he had done.
So indeed I was told that he has never known someone to be so badmind, that I am spoiling someone else’s happiness and hurting other people’s feelings. Hilarious, the only person doing that is HIM.
I was told I am just a hoe and that’s all I would have EVER been to him, and that I will never find a man due to being an ugly bitch. I mean what vile nasty comments which can only come from someone who is abusive, panicked and angry due to being exposed. Who sleeps with someone for 21 months they find ugly? Lets be real here… it hurts, of course but it is laughable.
He then told me he ‘couldn’t wait to show my baby dad the messages’ thinking that’s the same? or thinking perhaps I may get attacked further or possibly hit by another man. Either way, it shows it was his last desperate attempt to try and hurt me for exposing his lies and bullshit. Why am I in the wrong here??
So my warning to you ladies is, if you get any inkling he’s a fuck boy don’t even use and abuse, don’t entertain, they will be nice as pie when you’re playing their game. When that game ends they will attack. Failing to see their own wrong-doings, gas lighting is rife, the projection is rife and we do not deserve any of that bullshit.
“So what am I not supposed to have an opinion, should I be quiet because I’m a woman, Call me a bitch cause I speak what’s on my mind. Guess it’s easier for to swallow if I sat and smiled” … PREACH!