30 weeks tomorrow …

until I run half a marathon!!

I did park run this morning and it took me 38 minutes!! Ok not massively terrible but not great either. At least it’s a time to aim for and beat now.

I have also been to the gym 4 times this week and my steps have increased loads on previous weeks. Eating however, hmmm not so great. I’m still 6lb up from before Christmas! I feel it!

I managed to go running this morning because my ex watched our baby. He watched her yesterday too, (either that or I would need to of had the day off work) as she has another ear infection. I had a meeting on Thursday with my social worker and other professionals. They know what happened and they agree that I have come to the end of trying to fight, there’s little point and in fairness IF he steps up then it’s a good situation for me. We’ve seen what him and his family are capable of if we go through court and I’m tired! The system is a joke, how he can lie like that about someone and then get away with it is absurd. The courts allowing more abuse with no repercussions. That’s the reality.

It’s hard being a mum, even harder when you’ve got to do it on your own. Yes I have support but it’s nothing like how it could be, like I have with my eldest for example. My social worker mentioned that he is not a risk to our baby, also made the comment that he has accepted it has all been abuse and has accepted help and asked for it. Admits it all and this is all he is saying to me. That he was so caught up with that life, he lost sight of what he really wanted. This is why it is so easy to get caught up in the cycle. As much as I am being strong and I know it can all be words. It STILL makes me think! I start to wonder if, and blame myself slightly. Like maybe if I had done this a year ago, actually meant it, we would be in a different situation now. These types of men are good right, really good! I am STILL taking some of the blame.

I do feel strong, I don’t want or imagine a future with him. He’s doing everything to try and change that though, and I know he won’t give up.

Gosh I’m knackered. Must be that running 🏃‍♀️ 😝. Had a lush day again with my beautiful baby, and I am looking forward to a short week next week for half term💓

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