It was inevitable

Sorry I’ve been a little absent. My essays have taken over massively and I have also been in a situation where I wasn’t sure on how much I wanted to disclose. I am still in two minds.

The good news is I have 1 completed essay, only 1 more to go. I should be doing it now really. It’ll get done and how great that will feel woo. This week hasn’t been great for diet and exercise. I lost my Fitbit and I needed sugar to keep me going with uni stuff. Fitbit sent me a new one though and so I’m back on that from today. Food will start on Monday! Famous last words! Enjoyed a meal out with my mini princess and friends today.

Ok so here it is. I have had contact with my ex. I was so so shocked when I saw him, it was very surreal and he did something that would have got him arrested in a second. He tells me that it was because he was so desperate to see me he didn’t care. I know him though and it also highlights how much he really will push boundaries in order to get what he wants. We’ve had contact this week, and it’s tough. The empath in me finds it very tough. I hate hate seeing him so upset, so broken and so desperate. I hate hearing how sorry he is, how much he hates himself and hearing him cry. I am still very strong and can and will not ever be in his life like that again but isn’t it funny that I hate the thought of him hurting. Karma has got him but I’m taking on his guilt. Despite the pain he caused me, how much I’m still suffering I still could never be as evil as he was to me. I wish I could, but I just don’t have it in me. I still see that manipulative side to him, for example he’s told me that even if it’s in 5 years time he will not give up on getting his family back. In his next breath he says ‘I know we said 5 years but I just want that here now.’ I never agreed to the 5 years, certainly not but in his mind.. I did and I will. I care for him still, of course I do. He’s my daughters dad and I still know and remember that nice side of him. He’s said many times that that side of him would never treat me like he has, he even has blanked out some of the violence. He needs counselling to not allow this to affect the rest of his life. I am well aware of lovebombing, I am well aware of how this is how the cycle of abuse works and for that I can only be thankful for all this has taught me. I felt like a fraud at the beginning of the week, I again felt ashamed I didn’t just call the police when I should have BUT I am stronger now and as long as I stay with this mindset I can do this. The truth is the system is that much of a mess I just cannot see how involving them anymore will help me, or help my beautiful baby.

As previously mentioned fighting him and denying contact is stressful and mentally draining. I see many women who have lost their children due to going through the courts and that would crucify me. He knew what he needed to do to get access and court dates and bitterness is something I can do without. He is serious about a relationship with his daughter and the idea of that is appealing. Very appealing.

I have a meeting with social services next week and I will do everything properly. A domestic abuser counsellor has mentioned how it needs to be about contact with his daughter and not me. If we’ve arranged a Friday evening pick up, I cannot still be waiting till Saturday afternoon for example. He also needs to understand that when he has his daughter he cannot be interested about what I’m doing.

Gosh what a mess, but hey I knew it was coming. It was bound to one day. He was never going to stay away for ever. That was inevitable. I need to just remain in control of my emotions and not allow him any control.

Boy, anyway I best get cracking on that 2nd essay. I also have something else I am feeling very excited for.

Watch this space.


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