.. this time. I am letting him, letting him sulk and behaving like a child.
I am literally telling myself, why the hell are you putting up with this??
So 3 weeks later and once again I am banging my head against a brick wall. This time, last week I was with him. Being affectionate, we cuddled all night literally entwined with one another. The night before I saw him again, that was a spontaneous rendenvous after me once again just trying to understand why he won’t commit. More on that in a bit.
We have had 3 weeks of full on communication, he invovles me with all aspects of his life. Starting a new temporary job, his redundancy, helping him purchase a bike from Facebook. We facetime, he rings me randomly, voicenotes back and forth and he’s been opening up to me a lot. I have felt pretty secure. I have leant back, let him text last and he texts first etc etc… but then last Wednesday I just had to ask and understand why the tinder.. I didn’t get an answer. He played victim but saying that ‘you deserve better, as soon as someone better comes along you would drop me in a heartbeat’ and other absolute bullshit. I bought into it, I told him straight… “I want you” he laughed and called me crazy but luckily we didnt have a big drama and after a 2 hour phone call I ended up at his.
Last week again I was convinced he was just avoidant, he was a commitment phobe and everything else he was telling me. I was prepared to continue, I love him in my life but when things like this happen I just feel so hurt! So devastated!
Anyway yesterday he made a joke saying ‘I’d swipe right’ on a stupid picture… goads me, he wants a reaction. I then said yeh youd swipe right on anything. He put ‘like you lol’ and I said yes and look 8 months later you still can’t get rid of me… (laughing face emoji) . He put “working on it”. First hurtful comment!
Then he sent a picture that was clearly taken at 3pm in the afternoon of an item he was picking at work of a dildo! My instant reaction was ‘who has he sent that too’… ok maybe crazy but lets be real here… he’s openly still on tinder and had highlighted to me in the same conversation he is and that he is ‘working on’ getting rid of me!! I said “do not send me pictures you have sent to other people please” and left it… not that bad right… anyway he snapped told me he had taken it for me but had caught on his phone and he’s not sending me anything ever again. I made it into a joke and just said you will… he put No. I left it by saying you’re just tired and cranky. Night with kissy emojis and xx. Today he hasn’t spoke to me all day!
How the hell is he hurt that I would even suggest he sent a picture to someone else when he hasn’t given me any reason to not think hes talking to other girls!
I need to use this time to lean back, way way back, I had even offered earlier on the week to help him get home today after dropping his car off , which he didn’t actually decline or confirm and offered to cook him dinner one evening. I am putting way more investment into him than even myself at the moment. He doesn’t appreciate everything I do for him, and I get nothing in return. It’s my birthday next week, and I feel so sad that he wouldn’t even consider getting me a card or anything! Gosh even an old flame messaged me tonight and was saying lets get a hotel and take away etc etc (bloody lockdown) … why isn’t he doing this stuff for me?
Why do I not think I am worthy of more? I am the only one in this ‘relationship’. I need to work on myself. I deserve someone who wants to commit to me, make me feel secure and be desperate not to lose me. I am beginning to resent him, he’s pushing me away. I feel so sad that I’m just his “right now” DESPITE HIM SAYING thats what he is to me. He’s a fucking emotional manipulative mess.
I am stubborn and don’t want to reach out. I also don’t want to make it awkward again. I wonder how long he will go….
.. because I want my blender back!