Tag: focus

Posted in Singlemum

What is a Bullet Journal?

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I first was told about this concept I took one look at it and thought WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. However that was when the link just took me to pages and pages of codes and words that I didn’t quite understand!

That was until I found Pinterest. Wow! The idea of all those pretty colours and clear (almmost) organisation got me hooked.

I’ve had a paper diary for as long as I can remember. If I don’t write things down I will forget. I have a day to page one now for work, which is super shiny and fabulous and from paperchase (of course).I’ve always got a notepad on the go too. I love stationary! I am very very visual and when I’ve tried to be organised in the past or got a holiday countdown and want to track my fitness. I get addicted to draw graphs and plans. My notebooks end up being just a big mess of scribbles and I lose the pages I wish to keep for ‘blog ideas’ or ‘quotes I like’ or ‘ideas for my book.’ The ideas for my book is a biggy, I often get hit with triggers regarding the abuse I have been a victim too and its like a light goes in my head and I am like ‘oh yeh.’

So for me the bullet journal idea is fab!

I could use it for work but to be honest for what I do I need a proper diary so that is staying, plus it was expensive and a Christmas present. Some people use it for work and personal but I’m sticking to just personal.

I even FaceTimed my equally enthused bullet journal sister and we spent an hour sorting our first pages out together. It was comforting and fun.

I decided I needed to go straight in and start, over thinking it would put me off another week (as it did my sister) and so be it if I go wrong. It adds character right! Like how I got all confused and put that November had 31 days so now December is all wrong, but hey ho.

I bought a notebook that has dots and page numbers already noted. It has an index page too. The dots are great for drawing lines.

It is lacking colour at the moment but I want some colouring pencils to help with that.

The beauty is it doesn’t matter if there’s no order because it’s meant to be random. It’s meant to be unique. I’m excited to use it more and really get in control of my life.

I’m sure I’ll add to it and change it as well which is fine. I plan to be super organised now and waste less time. I WASTE FAR TOO MUCH!

It’s going to help with my book writing, my studying and my half marathon training. I also plan to get more bloody sleep and eat much much better.

2018 Goals – TO BE THE BEST VERSION OF ME

Watch this space. Anyone got any bullet journal blogs?

Would love to read xx

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Never good enough

Posted on by KerryLouise

…this is how I feel. This is how I felt pre abuse too. People like me are like gold mines for people like him. Low self esteem, low self worth, easy to get entangled inside our minds.

I’ve had no iPhone all week and now it’s gone off for repair. I have a replacement now and oh my life it took security and a half to get it back sorted with all my stuff.

Having no phone has been pretty disastrous on my mental space. No distractions, no communications just my own thoughts. Why did he do that stuff to me? Why is he still denying the severity of it? I know just know I shouldn’t be thinking like this but I cannot shake it at all.

I’m almost adamant that my ‘date’ if I can even call it that will cancel today. I assumed I would have at least a snap from him when I got my phone back but no. I should stick to my guns, he’s already pushed my boundaries enough. He’s been rude at times, and he clearly no longer feels the same way as when we first spoke back in jan through to March. I agreed to meet him as I really want this conversation face to face but it’s making me uneasy. Even if he does come, he’s going to hurt me, going to lose interest it is inevitable.

I didn’t start today in a good place (well yesterday considering it’s now 5 in the morning). My baby was up during the previous night and when she gets on one boy she screams so bad! I swear the neighbours think I must be doing all sorts. I even got paranoid thinking next door called the police on me! People doubting I am a good mum. Once I stopped trying to leave her in her cot she was wide awake and giggling and saying ‘mumma ‘ … melts me!

Then my eldest had barely any pack up for school because she ate it night before, and went to school without her Christmas jumper all things I felt bad for. 2018 will be about organisation and that goes for my eldest daughter too.

Finally spoke to M he was concerned as my phone had been off. My mind is telling me today to stop being a fool he’s only talking to me because he’s in jail and got no one else. I’m also telling my self that despite the young one having personal issues I still fell for a lot of bullshit there too and that needs to be cut off. I need to work on this as it will only keep happening. My head is not good today, I’m questioning all the recent friendships I’ve made. What’s their alternative motive? It can’t be the reasons they are saying.

I am going to try and sleep some more and hope I wake in a better mood.

Posted in Uncategorized

Day 1 and the Saturday night torture…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Its 10:50pm I havent even opened my text book to revise. What is wrong with me? Instead I feel the need to wallow in my own self pity and look at old instagram pictures of when my life looked fun and I was happy going out partying knowing I would see my man at the end of the night. Big sighs! I’ve been on POF tonight, great. What a disaster that was previously in my life, not quite sure what I thought I would get out of it. I even had the urge to just text that guy from last week something forward and enticing but what the hell is that going to prove? My urge to just have random sex with a random man has now gone and I now have Cher singing to me and that empty lonely feeling. The summer is coming, my exams will be over and there is no way I will be staying in like this every weekend. I am sure it will get me in to trouble but I can’t just waste my life like this. I need to laugh. I need to feel good about myself and socialise with people this is just depressing!

Anyway …

Day 1 has gone well 1,177 calories.

Breakfast – mixed grain crispbreads (bit random but was all I could find)

Lunch – Subway, turkey breast and ham on honey oat week

Dinner – Chicken and rice

Snacks – Salt & vinegar crinkly cheddars (my fave)

I walked 8,383 steps with no exercise. Tomorrow I will be going to the gym and doing an 8k training programme.

I will be looking fab for summer and be out ALOT!!! Why should my life stop because he got himself locked up?!

Posted in Uncategorized

Focus on yourself… because who else will?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I haven’t wrote for a while. I need too. He’s now been gone 82 days, 268 left before tag IF he is a good boy. IF being the big question on my mind since Sunday anyway. Had an amazing time in Ibiza, which I must admit seems like ages ago now and has gone quick but more recently again it feels so heavy. Something I struggle to carry around. I am still at university which is going well, very demanding hence the lack of posts but well and I have also got a new car. He has since moved 3 times, which caused more stress but now he seems to be settled in this one place. Week ago last Saturday I went to visit him and I left feeling like I miss him more than ever, we are so in love. If your love is real and you are put in a situation similar to this then the love just grows .. daily. It grows daily. The urge for each other, the desire to just have him touch me, the need to hear his voice and the anger at what has happened. Strong emotions can only make stronger feelings right? Even though I knew I was seeing him the following weekend I still felt this dull ache in my heart. In fact it goes deeper than that. Something just doesn’t feel right. I have it now. I have it all the time. It didn’t help last week that I still had had no phone call in nearly 3 weeks due to the money not reaching his canteen quick enough. I had received 2 letters though however instead of making me feel warm and happy they made me feel angry and lost. Sometimes I don’t think it is so much the content of the letter but the state of mind that they are read in. He called me Friday , I also got a letter Friday which did make me feel better and I saw him on Sunday. Well that visit left me feeling anxious, angry and hurt, needed just 15 minutes more with him. It didn’t end well. We didn’t kiss so much as we had done before and I certainly did not feel as in love as I had the previous week. I now fear so much, if he jeopardizes ANYTHING by being stupid in there and therefore does anything to stop them giving him tag I will leave him. I will. I cannot mother him through this anymore, he talks stupid, surely he isn’t really that thick right?? I sent him an email Sunday night, I couldn’t be direct in fear the screws would read it then it would be closed visits and tighter security but I needed to somehow get through to him that even selling a bit of burn on inside is STILL a criminal offence and WILL NOT be seen lightly by probation. I did ask him in the email to call me earlier than planned and he hasn’t , our original agreement was a call today and so if he doesn’t call today I know something is up. I am going to go and see him again on Saturday, I decided this yesterday. I cannot bear to sit on this over another week and its my birthday a week today. In my eyes if he gets involved with any fuckery inside there that is being disloyal. Disloyal to me and it is no different to me doing something out here that could have detriment effect on our relationship. This boy needs to be told, and it doesn’t scare me to potentially be single again. Does not scare me at all.