Never good enough

…this is how I feel. This is how I felt pre abuse too. People like me are like gold mines for people like him. Low self esteem, low self worth, easy to get entangled inside our minds.

I’ve had no iPhone all week and now it’s gone off for repair. I have a replacement now and oh my life it took security and a half to get it back sorted with all my stuff.

Having no phone has been pretty disastrous on my mental space. No distractions, no communications just my own thoughts. Why did he do that stuff to me? Why is he still denying the severity of it? I know just know I shouldn’t be thinking like this but I cannot shake it at all.

I’m almost adamant that my ‘date’ if I can even call it that will cancel today. I assumed I would have at least a snap from him when I got my phone back but no. I should stick to my guns, he’s already pushed my boundaries enough. He’s been rude at times, and he clearly no longer feels the same way as when we first spoke back in jan through to March. I agreed to meet him as I really want this conversation face to face but it’s making me uneasy. Even if he does come, he’s going to hurt me, going to lose interest it is inevitable.

I didn’t start today in a good place (well yesterday considering it’s now 5 in the morning). My baby was up during the previous night and when she gets on one boy she screams so bad! I swear the neighbours think I must be doing all sorts. I even got paranoid thinking next door called the police on me! People doubting I am a good mum. Once I stopped trying to leave her in her cot she was wide awake and giggling and saying ‘mumma ‘ … melts me!

Then my eldest had barely any pack up for school because she ate it night before, and went to school without her Christmas jumper all things I felt bad for. 2018 will be about organisation and that goes for my eldest daughter too.

Finally spoke to M he was concerned as my phone had been off. My mind is telling me today to stop being a fool he’s only talking to me because he’s in jail and got no one else. I’m also telling my self that despite the young one having personal issues I still fell for a lot of bullshit there too and that needs to be cut off. I need to work on this as it will only keep happening. My head is not good today, I’m questioning all the recent friendships I’ve made. What’s their alternative motive? It can’t be the reasons they are saying.

I am going to try and sleep some more and hope I wake in a better mood.