Tag: time

Posted in Singlemum

What is a Bullet Journal?

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I first was told about this concept I took one look at it and thought WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. However that was when the link just took me to pages and pages of codes and words that I didn’t quite understand!

That was until I found Pinterest. Wow! The idea of all those pretty colours and clear (almmost) organisation got me hooked.

I’ve had a paper diary for as long as I can remember. If I don’t write things down I will forget. I have a day to page one now for work, which is super shiny and fabulous and from paperchase (of course).I’ve always got a notepad on the go too. I love stationary! I am very very visual and when I’ve tried to be organised in the past or got a holiday countdown and want to track my fitness. I get addicted to draw graphs and plans. My notebooks end up being just a big mess of scribbles and I lose the pages I wish to keep for ‘blog ideas’ or ‘quotes I like’ or ‘ideas for my book.’ The ideas for my book is a biggy, I often get hit with triggers regarding the abuse I have been a victim too and its like a light goes in my head and I am like ‘oh yeh.’

So for me the bullet journal idea is fab!

I could use it for work but to be honest for what I do I need a proper diary so that is staying, plus it was expensive and a Christmas present. Some people use it for work and personal but I’m sticking to just personal.

I even FaceTimed my equally enthused bullet journal sister and we spent an hour sorting our first pages out together. It was comforting and fun.

I decided I needed to go straight in and start, over thinking it would put me off another week (as it did my sister) and so be it if I go wrong. It adds character right! Like how I got all confused and put that November had 31 days so now December is all wrong, but hey ho.

I bought a notebook that has dots and page numbers already noted. It has an index page too. The dots are great for drawing lines.

It is lacking colour at the moment but I want some colouring pencils to help with that.

The beauty is it doesn’t matter if there’s no order because it’s meant to be random. It’s meant to be unique. I’m excited to use it more and really get in control of my life.

I’m sure I’ll add to it and change it as well which is fine. I plan to be super organised now and waste less time. I WASTE FAR TOO MUCH!

It’s going to help with my book writing, my studying and my half marathon training. I also plan to get more bloody sleep and eat much much better.

2018 Goals – TO BE THE BEST VERSION OF ME

Watch this space. Anyone got any bullet journal blogs?

Would love to read xx

Posted in Uncategorized

A week..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Doesn’t sound long does it? A week. If I was dredding a dentist appointment you could bet your bottom dollar that week would shoot round, waiting for a holiday it would no doubtably go slower and then a week away in the sun, well that just comes and goes in a flash. My last week however has felt like 2, possibly 3 weeks long. Its been a whole week since I have seen my gorgeous boy or even heard his voice, its real pain. Email him? I can’t even find the words to do that. My birthday does not only feel like a week ago, travelling down to see him with his cousin and friend feels like a distant memory. Why is time going so slow? 36 of these damn weeks left now. 36! 14 weeks down, we’re not even half way. Just as it begins to feel quite normal the realisation hits me once more. How will I survive? I am missing him so much I cannot even find the words to explain this empty numb feeling right now. Tiredness, both physically and mentally. Not making much sense. My uni books have not been opened. So much to catch up on. The shop opening will do me just right. Time needs to be structured better. I cannot let this built up emotion beat me and stop me from succeeding. My day at work was super busy but enjoyable, I have a good life, a very good life if only the man who I wanted to share it with hadn’t been ripped away from me.

Friday tomorrow, credit day, I need to hear his voice.

Miss him so much!!

Posted in Uncategorized

Focus on yourself… because who else will?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I haven’t wrote for a while. I need too. He’s now been gone 82 days, 268 left before tag IF he is a good boy. IF being the big question on my mind since Sunday anyway. Had an amazing time in Ibiza, which I must admit seems like ages ago now and has gone quick but more recently again it feels so heavy. Something I struggle to carry around. I am still at university which is going well, very demanding hence the lack of posts but well and I have also got a new car. He has since moved 3 times, which caused more stress but now he seems to be settled in this one place. Week ago last Saturday I went to visit him and I left feeling like I miss him more than ever, we are so in love. If your love is real and you are put in a situation similar to this then the love just grows .. daily. It grows daily. The urge for each other, the desire to just have him touch me, the need to hear his voice and the anger at what has happened. Strong emotions can only make stronger feelings right? Even though I knew I was seeing him the following weekend I still felt this dull ache in my heart. In fact it goes deeper than that. Something just doesn’t feel right. I have it now. I have it all the time. It didn’t help last week that I still had had no phone call in nearly 3 weeks due to the money not reaching his canteen quick enough. I had received 2 letters though however instead of making me feel warm and happy they made me feel angry and lost. Sometimes I don’t think it is so much the content of the letter but the state of mind that they are read in. He called me Friday , I also got a letter Friday which did make me feel better and I saw him on Sunday. Well that visit left me feeling anxious, angry and hurt, needed just 15 minutes more with him. It didn’t end well. We didn’t kiss so much as we had done before and I certainly did not feel as in love as I had the previous week. I now fear so much, if he jeopardizes ANYTHING by being stupid in there and therefore does anything to stop them giving him tag I will leave him. I will. I cannot mother him through this anymore, he talks stupid, surely he isn’t really that thick right?? I sent him an email Sunday night, I couldn’t be direct in fear the screws would read it then it would be closed visits and tighter security but I needed to somehow get through to him that even selling a bit of burn on inside is STILL a criminal offence and WILL NOT be seen lightly by probation. I did ask him in the email to call me earlier than planned and he hasn’t , our original agreement was a call today and so if he doesn’t call today I know something is up. I am going to go and see him again on Saturday, I decided this yesterday. I cannot bear to sit on this over another week and its my birthday a week today. In my eyes if he gets involved with any fuckery inside there that is being disloyal. Disloyal to me and it is no different to me doing something out here that could have detriment effect on our relationship. This boy needs to be told, and it doesn’t scare me to potentially be single again. Does not scare me at all.

Posted in Uncategorized

Learn from your mistakes…

Posted on by KerryLouise

I did it… I made a mistake. The alcohol got the better of me and all the bad thoughts I have been thinking of this week made me crazy. I felt sick this morning, so angry with myself. Why? What the hell went through my head. I made a decision and I made the wrong one. I knew I shouldn’t have drank. Wish I could re-wind time. I messed up. Ruined it all. I wanted to tell him, thinking he would understand. I know I couldn’t tell him because it would kill him. I’ve been so lonely, scared of the amount of time apart, scared of what could happen when he does come out. Scared, angry, lonely and all I want to scream at him is ‘this is all your fault.’ He is selfish, selfish for ending up in there and it effecting me too. I did not ask for this. I am the innocent one here yet it is a punishment that does affect the innocent too.

On reflection I calmed down. It isn’t something I can change, and me and my ‘friend’ will continue as normal like nothing happened.  I think sometimes we have to make such mistakes to remind ourselves how it makes us feel. I don’t want anyone else, I want him… and he’s not here.  If everything was perfect, it would never have happened. If he had treated me continually with respect, if we had never fought where we bruised each other, if he hadn’t of disrespected me with other girls it would be different. The fact he received oral sex from another girl at the start of our relationship still plays on my mind alot. The conversations he had with other girls previously that I saw all over his phone literally killed me. I gave him a second chance yes but it still happened. I had been nothing but loyal. It even hurts to know he had one night stand the night after he met me and it was that girl he went back to whilst we were ‘happy’. He held his hands up and told me it went no further than oral because I came into his head. I threatened to ask the girl the truth and he swore down that was the case. In reality I don’t know this but I believed him.  I think about how things would be if it was me in there. If he was the one who was free to make choices on the outside. Would I trust him?! Would I hell as like trust him. Given half the chance and if there was a half decent female screw, I think he would even do that. His sex drive is far too high to turn anyone down and go 12 months without sex. For me it isn’t the sex that’s the easy bit to turn down. It’s being touched. Feeling a body next to mine. Feeling a mans touch on my bare skin.  Last night showed me more so that no one elses touch would be like his. No other man would compare with the way he is, the way he looks. To me he is the most beautiful man in the world and I wish he was here. I wish so very much he was here.

I am not condoning what I have done at all, it was wrong we should never have kissed but I am not going to let it eat me up enough so I feel like I am not a good person. I am a good person, I just make the wrong choices some times. On Wednesday when I go to see him I will put it out there that if he EVER disrespects me or if he continues to behave like he was in my previous post then I will be gone. I just cannot continue the same life we had previously. He needs to grow up. He needs to be a man. I have a lot of thinking to do as well, will I go 12 months without sex? Will I get weaker? I need to not drink and not put myself in a situation where sex could be possible. I just hate all this!!!