I did it… I made a mistake. The alcohol got the better of me and all the bad thoughts I have been thinking of this week made me crazy. I felt sick this morning, so angry with myself. Why? What the hell went through my head. I made a decision and I made the wrong one. I knew I shouldn’t have drank. Wish I could re-wind time. I messed up. Ruined it all. I wanted to tell him, thinking he would understand. I know I couldn’t tell him because it would kill him. I’ve been so lonely, scared of the amount of time apart, scared of what could happen when he does come out. Scared, angry, lonely and all I want to scream at him is ‘this is all your fault.’ He is selfish, selfish for ending up in there and it effecting me too. I did not ask for this. I am the innocent one here yet it is a punishment that does affect the innocent too.
On reflection I calmed down. It isn’t something I can change, and me and my ‘friend’ will continue as normal like nothing happened. I think sometimes we have to make such mistakes to remind ourselves how it makes us feel. I don’t want anyone else, I want him… and he’s not here. If everything was perfect, it would never have happened. If he had treated me continually with respect, if we had never fought where we bruised each other, if he hadn’t of disrespected me with other girls it would be different. The fact he received oral sex from another girl at the start of our relationship still plays on my mind alot. The conversations he had with other girls previously that I saw all over his phone literally killed me. I gave him a second chance yes but it still happened. I had been nothing but loyal. It even hurts to know he had one night stand the night after he met me and it was that girl he went back to whilst we were ‘happy’. He held his hands up and told me it went no further than oral because I came into his head. I threatened to ask the girl the truth and he swore down that was the case. In reality I don’t know this but I believed him. I think about how things would be if it was me in there. If he was the one who was free to make choices on the outside. Would I trust him?! Would I hell as like trust him. Given half the chance and if there was a half decent female screw, I think he would even do that. His sex drive is far too high to turn anyone down and go 12 months without sex. For me it isn’t the sex that’s the easy bit to turn down. It’s being touched. Feeling a body next to mine. Feeling a mans touch on my bare skin. Last night showed me more so that no one elses touch would be like his. No other man would compare with the way he is, the way he looks. To me he is the most beautiful man in the world and I wish he was here. I wish so very much he was here.
I am not condoning what I have done at all, it was wrong we should never have kissed but I am not going to let it eat me up enough so I feel like I am not a good person. I am a good person, I just make the wrong choices some times. On Wednesday when I go to see him I will put it out there that if he EVER disrespects me or if he continues to behave like he was in my previous post then I will be gone. I just cannot continue the same life we had previously. He needs to grow up. He needs to be a man. I have a lot of thinking to do as well, will I go 12 months without sex? Will I get weaker? I need to not drink and not put myself in a situation where sex could be possible. I just hate all this!!!