I think every girl has that one guy that they will always be weak too. The one guy who seemed absolutely perfect, that blinded you with niavity and yet it can be looked back on and alarm bells was obvious right from the get go. Why do we not see those alarm bells? Do we just choose to ignore them? Convincing ourselves it is something that it isn’t.
I don’t know what I would do if I was to see him again now. It isn’t unusual for me to click on his profile picture, have a look… or even check out his profile and see if there was anything else to see. It goes beyond that, I check out his ‘girlfriend’ (who’s current profile picture has changed to just her not them both) and his family too. It was obsessive at one point, half hoping not to find anything. Ignorance is bliss type of scenario. Now I do it just to be nosy, it doesn’t have that same effect on me but I STILL DO IT!!!
I would like to see him again, my confidence is double it was when I knew him. I am a different person. He was around when I was in that job I hated. I am much more comfortable in my own skin, I know I could have him if I wanted.
I didn’t blog much whilst we were seeing each other. Doesn’t mean it was all great, because it wasn’t. Being in my current relationship shows exactly what was wrong about me and D. He was so secretive, so dark, mysterious. Maybe that’s what kept me so addicted. He was also the first black man I had had sex with. Why hadn’t I had been doing it my whole adult life?!? I questioned myself. I know love sees no colour, but there is something incredibly sexy about being in a relationship with a black man. Usually I am not lost for words but I cannot even explain what I love about it. Its just different. I liked being seen out with him. I liked how much power my body can have over him, I definitely enjoyed the sex with him. I was confident. I let my body do the talking.
That being, it still didn’t make me confident when I would have to think about every word spoke to him. Each text message I would analyse and analyse some more. Regret certain things I did or said in case that was the reason he had ‘lost interest’, it was a physically and emotionally distressing experience but yet I couldn’t get enough.
The weekly meets came to an end in March and I felt like I would never ever get over it. My old blog makes it clearer.
Thursday 26th February 2013
Is he that person who will make me feel happy, safe and loved? Is he the person who will bring me out of this mini hole that I am stuck in at the moment? And I have to answer myself honestly, no I do not think he is. There I said it, it makes all this stuff so much easier to deal with when I realise that he is not the one. Driving home from work today I imagined being his girl on his arm, having a future with him and I see us just both being happy. Having him look at me the way he always does, have him be protective over me and be proud that I am his. I have just watched him go online on whatsapp and pray that I see him typing and I havent. I want to absolutely ball my eyes out, why? why? why? I need to wake the hell up…. why would he not even say night like he has done in the past. He didn’t last night but yet I wake up to “mornin xx”.. it is a complete head fuck and I have so much more that I can explain and type about and I will, eventually!! God I wish I could ask someone… do I leave him to it?! (where on so many occasions he has blamed me for being distant, gone quiet or not having much convo)… text him night where it looks like I am making an effort and his non communication hasnt bothered me or text him something saying how I feel!! I think I will wait till the morning see what happens… !!
I wish I didnt fancy him so god damn much, my lust for him is completely mental. I have never ever felt like this about anyone before, of course I love so easily but I mean in a physically attraction way. He in my opinion is a complete head turner, and I cannot believe someone like him would of had in an interest in me. I need to move on! (Now I look back and he’s no where near the same level as my current boyfriend)
Wednesday 27th February 2013
I have just spent the past hour having that tightening in my stomach and chest, and crying tears that were uncontrollable and loud like a small child. Is it me?! Am I over thinking too much and wanting too much out of something?! Or is it him?! Not really giving a damn about me and I am just something to pass his time.
This man has been in my life for 4 months now, 4 months!! That is a long time right… a long time for someone to be in your life, granted it hasn’t been 4 months of a whirlwind romance like I have experienced previously but 4 months of seeing his name daily appear on my phone. Many meetings for rendezvous, laughs and feeling like someones girl. 4 months is a long time to me.
Last night I saw he went online again after I finished my blog and after telling myself I wasn’t going to text , I did “so I don’t even get a night anymore :(” I did wake up to “night babe xx”. After waking up and then seeing I didn’t get a morning message I saw rage “Don’t just say it because you feel you have too, you have made yourself perfectly clear.” In hindsight I was possibly too hasty, after all we have had discussions in the past where he has felt insecure about me not texting first, he often has questioned “why should I text you first?” and “why no morning message when you have been online?” and even “how’s your new fella, because you don’t text me in the morning.” His reply this morning was put bluntly “I txt u as much as u txt me”, what could I reply to that?! It was pretty true to be honest however in my head it is because I often will text him last but then still get accused of being “quiet all day.” This evening I asked him if he wants me to leave him alone, I got no reply then after seeing him go on and off line I was beside myself and had to put it out there.. why would he not even reply to me? I also asked him to not do this to me. Once again he went online and did not reply straight away. Why would he be happy to let me feel the way I was currently feeling?! I had made the decision in my head he was no longer worth it, he did not respect me, he just did not care enough and the old phrase “you are worth better” came up on the convo with my friends. Being told and agreeing that I needed to let him go and respect myself. Asking my friends when would I feel better and joking about Birmingham and how my mission is to kiss a different boy in every bar we go too. Then I see him typing “I neva said I wanted u to leave me alone babe!! x” …. Back to square fucking ONE!!
Now after reading all that I ask myself why did I deal with all those games so much. That’s all it was to him, a game. This became clearer as I started to get over him and found the strength to do so
Monday 29th April 2013
Went out with the girls at the weekend, I mentioned a few times that I wanted to go home, but girls wouldn’t let me and my God am I glad I didn’t. At 1:30am we decided to go to the bar I met D in all those months back. A bar we barely even make it too and I will never ever forget the feeling I had or even the words ” there’s D” EVER! I could not actually believe it, ACTUALLY still cannot believe it. The man who I have literally been lusting after for so many months and weeks was right there in front of me. He made me weak, of course I spoke to him, I think I did it pretty well to be honest. I don’t remember the conversation word for word. But I remember him asking me how had I been, why hadn’t I text him. He kissed me on my lips but then pulled away, touched between my legs, gave me that look that completely makes me melt! He asked me if I was wearing tights and said “those legs man” and looked me up and down. I was by his side for over an hour, didn’t leave it apart from when he went to the toilet. I remember his friend saying “you must be *****” and then briefly remember him saying “you like him don’t you”…. was I making it that obvious?! I told D he had something over me, and I didn’t know what it was, maybe I shouldn’t of been as honest as that but he had to know. He mentioned that if he wasn’t with me that night I’d prob be off pulling, then when he saw the text messages on my phone he said “booty call?” What does he mean by that?! Jealousy again, maybe that’s what he could never deal with. He told me to text him soon , I really didn’t want to leave his side but his bro and friends were going to a different bar with some girls and I wasn’t going there. H my best friend made me see sense and to just walk off, I thought he was following me out but he wasn’t there I wanted to say bye. I was the stronger person and just walked. He had my number. I knew that I could potentially text him again however I felt sick at the thought of him getting with someone else. Completely amazed at what had just happened. Wanted to put the whole night in a bottle and keep it there. I get home and he had text me!!! He ended up leaving them all in the club and coming to see me! Walking up the stairs he couldn’t keep his hands off me, we were kissing so much and the sexual tension was completely mental once again. I still could not believe he was here when he was in my bed, he enjoyed it. I could tell he did, he told me that as soon as he saw me he knew he wanted to fuck me again. He told me how much he had missed my pussy once he entered me. I just loved kissing him, loved feeling his body against mine, the heat that comes from him and his hands all over me. It is complete lust like no other, it has never ever felt like this before. Only him. Only he can do this to me. He kissed me as he left, then kissed me again, he said I went a bit weird but I was fine, just hated that he was going and potentially wasn’t going to see him again!
Today has been horrible, I have just slept most of it. I text him today something naughty and I’ve not had a reply. He did text me yesterday asking if I was ok, and double checked I was ok about everything as I seemed off after, I just said not at all. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say?! How am I meant to play this now?! I so know he would want me again, what is his problem?! What the hell is going through his head?! For Joe Bloggs it would be so easy to turn round and say “he used you” but why would he go out of his way to put him self on me when it potentially could open a whole can of worms again. Not naive enough to think that he wants it back to like it was, but he must still feel that thing we have or Saturday night would not of been worth the potential aggro he could be facing. It all just does not make sense.
I needed that night as closure. I found out some more stuff after I saw him once again out in my home town a few months later. He had a girlfriend, the same one I had stalked previously and assumed it was his ‘ex’. He probably never split from her, he showed signs how he loved that he could have me if he wanted me. I was annoyed with myself that he knew this. It was from this I then changed. I found confidence, I began to use men and treat them the way he had treated me. He randomly text me again in September which I managed to turn around and tell him to basically leave me alone. That felt good.
I wonder what would happen if I text him again!