100 days to go!

100 days and almost nearly we would go the day without any real arguments. Don’t get me wrong, all this hate, resentment and anger I have for him is building up. I just let him stay around me to keep the peace and I give him that chance to try and change that. His sweet charming and loving nature almost does make me forget until it starts again. How many f’ing times do I have to tell him to stop bringing cannabis into my house? How many times?? It is like talking to a brick wall. It doesn’t register. He is absolutely insane. His response ‘its only a little spliff’. He is either completely mentally retarded, enjoys just disrespecting me and making arguments or actually never listens to me at ALL!! I right now am not so sure on which one it is.

He then tells me that I have to deal with it because that’s just him, he gets right in my face, ok so LEAVE ME ALONE I scream!! If you are always going to do it then LEAVE ME!!! I don’t want that type of person around me. I even spoke to him earlier about his illegal activities and he said it was over and he promises. He’s a compulsive liar, vile disgusting liar.. I found an item on him that I believe is used for shotting drugs and he tells me it’s all in my head. I’m making it up. How there’s something wrong with me. I tell him to get out my house, my fingers in my ears so I don’t have to listen to his mental abuse that makes me flip out. He follows me around like an annoying child ‘what is wrong with you?’ , ‘Look at you why would I want a woman like you anyway’, ‘unfortunately I cant leave and you should of thought about that before that happened’ (pointing to my stomach). I’m sure there was more but I block it out. I have too, otherwise I have a mental breakdown and just want to hit him so hard. Other times he just throws back my insults, where I call him disgusting. Apparently I’m disgusting and tells me to look at myself (dragging me to the mirror) , tells me that I’m the one who puts his baby through stress. When he screams this stuff at me I hate him, hate him so much! He manipulates any situation and turns it back round on me.

When he finally leaves he sees my friend in the street. He tries to give ‘his side’ of the story. Although ITS THE SAME FUCKING STORY! He told her smoking cannabis is him and always will be, says he doesn’t know where we have both got this ‘idea’ from, that he’s involved in illegal stuff, but then admits he is involved and that its not a risk because he’s working too and its not big deal. He doesn’t know what he’s lying about from one minute to the next. I will lose my head, my actual head I think I already need some proper counselling. I feel so much better when I don’t see him, even speak to him. I’m calmer, I’m happier but I let him in, believing all his lies. We talk for hours at a time where he says ‘I admit I’ve been a cunt, it’s going to stop, I love you, I cant lose you’ then less than 24 hours later it’s like we haven’t even spoke at all!!!!

We spoke for 2 minutes on the phone since, and in that time he told me ‘you don’t open up to me!’ …. WHAT THE ACTUAL?!?! And that all I do is tell my friend. He said how she told him that she tells me how easy I let him back all the time and from that he told me he’ll just speak to me tomorrow. He still called me babe like nothing had happened, he doesn’t understand the seriousness of it all. His phone went dead during the conversation.. it angered me because I didn’t get a chance to say what I needed to say but it makes me happy knowing he can’t ‘work’ without a phone. He’ll be out smoking and drinking like the selfish prick he is once again and in the next breath I think how he’s now broken another promise. ‘I promise if my phone ever dies again I will come straight to you.’ I hope he misses the birth of his baby, I really do! He does not deserve this child.

I just need to ignore my phone, I’ve deleted his number now too so I can’t be tempted not to call. He will come running, he would never let me go (that is a little scary) but maybe my friend is right, if he actually believes it’s over he may do something about it. I doubt so, I think will push him off the rails more so but I’ve tried the other way. This is the last little bit of hope to register in his thick stupid young head! It’s like disciplining a child, if you don’t take that toy away they will continue to behave badly … after all he is a child!!