Fighting with the impossible…

Few weeks have past by and I am honestly feeling stronger and can at times see myself with someone else. Losing weight and getting my self confidence back is definitely helping with this process and I can see now more than ever how this abusive man took advantage of my pregnancy and being vulnerable.

He still at times is making all the right noise but the abusive side still shows its ugly head when a conversation isn’t quite going his way. We argue mainly at the moment about money, money he owes me and money he isn’t giving to provide for his daughter. It is still very exhausting when I am explaining to him the situation we now both face with social services. I explain it to him like I would a 10 year old yet still I find myself having to explain once again when he hasn’t done as he has said. The abuse begins when he tells me how I have caused all this, I could have stopped social services from being involved and as usual I was never fully committed to him. I simply encourage him to google it! Google domestic abuse and the impacts it has on children and also that social services are not on my side they are simply there for the children. He seems to think it’s just a man bashing situation and the social worker will beat him down verbally. Basically admitting he has been in the wrong and he is a coward.  Not seeing him does help. I do miss him I cannot lie and say  I don’t but I must admit I enjoy the evenings to myself. No stress about what time he is coming in, no bickering because I haven’t done something quite right and I can just simply do everything my own way. Earlier today he threw the ‘she has other family too you know not just your side’… again not taking responsibility for the fact his own actions have stopped his family being so involved and lets not forget that even when we were not forced to stay away from each other he failed to organise all these family trips for his daughter. Of course though the night he first got arrested he dwells upon… ‘you got my arrested on my grans birthday and YOU upset a 84 year old woman as she was expecting to see her great grandchild.’ Of course…. all my fault as everything is … and I know him and I know its very likely it would never of materialised anyway!!

I have been a lot calmer these few weeks as I have said but there has been a couple of relapses where he’s promised some money and then not answered his phone. My abusive side comes in then, I’m only texting the truth and I try so hard to not ring and ring but it’s become so second nature that I want him to know exactly how he makes me feel and how he has made me feel for a very long time now.

The healing process continues xx


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