Feeling strong ..

I got through the whole of yesterday without calling him, without unblocking him and it was hard but I feel so good from it this morning. I tried to call the social worker but I doubt very much he has bothered. In that case he won’t see his baby and I mean that. My children are too precious. 

I’m completely using all this energy to educate myself on what abuse is. He is an abusive man, he isn’t lost, he didn’t just have a bad life and prison and smoking cannabis does not make someone as abusive as he is. Equally what ever I have done or do in arguments does not provoke him to turn into that evil vile cretin I see so often. 

Even putting the words and violence aside his actions are emotional psychologically abusive! Disappearing for hours on end which gradually became longer and longer. He wouldn’t just show at 5/6am it then became 7/8am then slowly 2pm then sometimes days! August bank holiday I didn’t hear from him in 48 fucking hours, our baby was due 16th September !!! Complete asshole. The book goes on about how the abuser drifts you so far away from what is normal and what is reality that you put up with it more and more but the fact is … It isn’t normal. It’s disrespectful, destructive and absolutely soul destroying. There were times I worried he had been hurt, been arrested or of course was with someone else. Oh but couldn’t he lie, he had me absolutely oblivious to the fact he could ever cheat on me. When baby was here and I was heavily pregnant he told me how he went 16 months without sex in jail, he isn’t a cheat, looked deeply into my eyes! The book explains ‘lying is abuse, a form of psychologically abuse which over time is highly destructive!’ He’s a liar and that is putting it mildly.

When it began to happen again over new year he is so wrapped up in his own life and lies he even had a go at me for being paranoid and I was the one saying sorry! One morning he even came in saying how sorry he was and that he felt sick when he woke because he knew what I would think and oh he just can’t lose me! *Rolls eyes* What about the times he’s text to say he’s on his way home and I’m left wide awake, anxious and completely disturbed to the fact he just ISN’T coming. If he doesn’t think anything else is abuse he will learn one day along with his mother that this is ABUSE! His mother and sister would say ‘it’s just dominic’ ‘he’s done this his whole life.’ Well he needs to grow up!! It is NOT OK! What kind of man leaves his 4 day old baby with her mother who has just had a caesarean and cannot get out of bed?! That’s right HIM and now that I know why it makes me realise what a cold hearted self centered individual he really is. 

I was soooo sick of the constant conversations, I accepted the fact he never wanted to be at home but I just wanted him contactable. Each time he was like ‘I understand’ and ‘it wouldn’t happen again’. Why the FUCKING hell FUCKING FUCKITDY FUCK did I let him get away with it!!!!???

The book talks of ‘double standards’ .. We saw that just last weekend. It was ok for him to spend the night with another woman last Friday night but me texting a man and receiving flowers from him meant I was a whore and could never be loyal.

  ‘An abusive man subtly or overtly imposes a system in which he is exempt from the rules and standards that applies to you’ 

Oh boy how true this is, not only with sex but everything. He was ok to leave me on my own with no plans but if he was bored and I had plans he made me feel guilty. ‘Always doing things you are’ ‘Leaving me on my own’ and ‘This is why I’m never here’. It was ok to wake the whole house and me up when we had to take him to work or he came back at stupid o’clock in the morning. He didn’t mind me laying awake all night with work next day but when his sleep was disturbed all hell broke lose. The most recent one was how it wasn’t right that he was looking after our child just so I could earn money to then go out with. Sorry ?! Did he not go out every single fucking weekend for the past year!! God I could go on and on but I think the picture has been drawn. 

Having a moment where I want to ring him. I must remind myself that there is no point. He’ll just be feeling sorry for himself. Hearing from me he will feel like everything is ok because I am not strong enough to tell him that it isn’t. I feel sorry for him when he cries, when he tells me he’s fucked up. Did he ever feel sorry for me when he could just go out and leave me for hours and hours ?! 

NO!! 

My fitness has suffered this week. I managed 1 run but only 33,000 steps for the week! Shocking. Back on it now! 

He will not bring me down anymore!