I’m feeling calmer now, red wine and talks with a good friend helped that. I carry on as I was and start tomorrow as my new day 1 of no contact. I am going to ask and see if I really need to go to the next court date. I really do not want to be anywhere near him. It has absolutely no benefits at all. I just get sucked in. I believed him when he said he loved me and missed me. Believed him when he said he feels so alone and has no one, pitied him and felt sorry for him. Seeing how desperate he was to speak to me, he told me straight that getting arrested didn’t scare him and he just had to talk to me. That is the weirdest situation, you feel like ‘well he must love me then’ the energy is so powerful from him that all I wanted to do was calm him down myself. The ONLY way I can calm him down though is by showing him love and I just cannot do that anymore. He handed me his number as he walked by my side down the court stairs, he wrote it on a ripped piece of paper he clearly just did it in the court waiting area. I took it like someone on auto-pilot and put it in my pocket. I hate seeing him so desperate, I see the nice side of him. The side that really does want me, he continues to say he loves me with a soft tone and I get angry! ‘No he fucking doesn’t.’
I wanted to keep the number for evidence since when he wasn’t getting his own way he blamed me. Told the usher how I showed him a video. Yes I did, when we was at the other court. I’m proud of my baby girl and wanted him to see her walking, he asked to see a picture. Yes I should have just walked away, as I tell him he never cared when I was hurting but I didn’t want to seem bitter. Then when he followed me outside again he was asking me if he could just say one thing. I said no and told him he needs to stay away. The ushers, my solicitor AND security told him so many times. I don’t know what he was trying to say but he then turned nasty again saying I’m only doing this because things haven’t gone my way!! PROJECTION! Lol.
He was excused before me from the court room but waited some more. Caused a commotion because my solicitor asked him to leave first. In the commotion I got away completely traumatised about the mornings events. How is this all even allowed ? We should never be in the same court room. When he was having his say in the court I felt sorry for him. I saw that lost boy in him, the lost boy I always tried to help. It hurts.
He even waited for me outside the wrong court I told him not too but the magnetic force just allowed me to continue walking by his side. Listening to everything he was saying, how he doesn’t understand why he’s like this. How he was so happy and only ever wants me to be the mother of his children – yes plural (he’s mental) and that if he never has another child with me he’s just happy with one. I know why he’s like this! He’s never had a decent man as a role model.
I did call him. I tried so so hard! I’ll admit it to everyone too. This is the power he has on me. But by accepting it and not hiding it is better for me to draw a line under it and move on. I only heard the same stuff he said he is so upset with himself, always thinks about the times he did me wrong. Wishes he could turn back the clocks. Said he couldn’t sleep last night knowing it was my birthday and wishing he could have took me out. Told me he didn’t even have that girls number anymore and he actually had changed his but I’m not stupid, she won’t have wrote that for a guy who hasn’t even been in contact. He told me he was going to get hold of her and tell her to back off. Lol. Well he’s her problem now, you can put up with his lack of respect, drug dealing and cheating. He did get me today for about 20 minutes where I was again thinking ‘maybe he’ll change now’ and that was scary. So all I can do is thank that girl for being so foolish because I am using her foolishness to empower me.
I didn’t even fancy him today. He looks tired, aged and unhappy. He’s lost his spark. He looks me up and down like I know how he sees how good I’m looking and I just need to remember that. I am strong and powerful and I do not need negativity in my life. He won’t ever change, he won’t be true to anyone and I will NOT be told by any dumb bitch that my blog is all lies. What crazy psycho would make up everything I’ve wrote since 2014. Certainly not me. I feel sorry for her, he’s dangling her like a carrot and my communications with him prior to the order being served shows that their ‘relationship’ is not intense at all. She’s desperate and this is just her screaming ‘look I’ll help you’. For a real life adult she isn’t very intelligent. How she thinks that one letter will overpower all my evidence, blogs, voice recordings, witness statements from health professional and social services who have seen the bruises. The police have more than enough evidence and she’s protecting a man she’s known 2 months!! Laughable really! Big fat LOL!
Peace out. This was just one day that ruined my energy. NO MORE!