Painful buzz

I love that that awful anxious feeling has gone. I love that I can walk around with a smile on my face feeling genuinely happy. I love that I can focus on the future and I love that Christmas isn’t filling me with dread.

However I still of course get upset when I remember certain things. I had some more of my tattoo today. I love it, it symbolises me, it symbolises a strong woman and it gives me one hell of a buzz. Often the buzz I craved from the toxic shite I got from my abuser, this is a much better way to reach a high.

Had a great evening with my friend. She’s on her own and got a baby too. She’s in a fab place too and it’s an amazing journey we have both been on. Strong independent women just raising strong independent girls. I had made arrangements to see the boy but my friends always come first. Especially since he admitted he is actually in fact only 21. Good Lord! My abuser used to tell me I was old and ‘past it’. How he could get anyone he liked but I’d struggle. Hilarious how he went for older than me and I found myself with younger. Whoops!

Spoke with M again. I hate that every phone call I find myself mentioning my ex. I guess it is like therapy though. Today we spoke of the day I was admitted into hospital before labour. He couldn’t believe that he made me walk to the hospital, didn’t stay with me and that’s without all the verbal abuse I got on the way. It was 30 odd degrees and I was struggling to walk. He made it very obvious he didn’t want to walk with me and walked ahead whilst I was struggling following him. He would stop and roll his eyes, I think I said something like ‘you don’t have to come you know.’ That was then his invite to call me a prick. I can’t even remember the full conversation but I remember just feeling so embarrassed in front of his brother. So embarrassed that I was so heavily pregnant and he could treat me like that. His brother actually stuck up for me. Then whilst I waited at the hospital I was on my own. I actually justified it by saying ‘didn’t make sense us both waiting’ but I would have wanted nothing more than him to have been there. He wasn’t committed to me when I got admitted either, thank God for my friends. When I look back I actually FUCKING HATE HIM!! He abused me so bad I remember crying so much, whilst he told me how I made him sick. I just kept looking in his eyes whilst he spewed this venom at me. All because one of my friends was there that he didn’t like. Well he wasn’t!? I then remember treading on eggshells after this so worried he would storm out. Storm out and not be there for me. Even before I was in labour he moaned chronic about how hot the hospital was, every other bed had their partner by it all day. Not me! Not me! When he had arrived the doctor pulled me to one side and I asked if I even wanted him there. ‘Of course’ I smiled ‘He’s being great!’

Anyway I’m really getting myself upset now thinking about him and my experience. I’m glad when I distance myself I remember and realise. This isn’t a normal way a man should treat anyone let alone their heavily pregnant girlfriend. When I found out about his affair I believed this was all a defence mechanism because he felt bad. LOL! No! He’s just an asshole.

If I never see him again it will be too soon! I am so happy that it genuinely hasn’t taken long for me to see! See that I fell in love with the fake him, I fell in love with the fake dreams he promised and also felt so strongly about being a single mum to a 2nd child. This last week has shown me that no one judges me at all about my past, no future man who means anything will care. If anything will just hold me tighter and make sure I never experience such vile treatment ever again.