Starting to feel at peace

There has been times where I have dredded the weekends. Even when he was half in my life, the chaos and loneliness was mad. I definitely felt more lonely when he was in my life than now he isn’t. I speak to M on the phone every evening and I have another for company too. I don’t always NEED someone with me but communication with the outside world is always nice, rather than an asshole promising you his time, then bailing out last minute or even worse ignoring you when it suits him. Even when he did stick to his word it never happened without drama, without his phone going off as he was needed to go deal drugs or he’d be rude and nasty to me. Abusers like him will treat you bad then expect no backlash from that, expect it to just be taken and then use the emotions he’s created against you. If I felt let down, lonely or sad there was never any responsibility taken by him (only fake when it suited him) there was just more fake promises, more emotional torture and a feeling of ‘never fucking getting out!’ I used to tell him he was pushing me to meet someone else, I of course was a slag and a dirty whore. It’s ok when he uses the reverse as an excuse for his infidelity ‘she was nice to me’ ‘you pushed me to it.’ Double standards ALWAYS! On the other hand he would try and promise that it was all coming to an end and when he was done with the streets he would come back. Never let me go. Treat me like the queen I deserved. Always unrealistic dreams, I was living a nightmare.

More recently it’s became apparent he has stolen my daughters phone. What a disgusting human. There is literally no other explanation. She did not take it out the house and the last time we saw it was 29th September 2017! His birthday , he was here the night before and before I left the house he caused a scene because his mobile had been misplaced. Of course it was everyone else’s fault, and tried hard to not let me leave until it was found. Gosh he was so fucking vile in every way, shape and form. A nice evening spoilt because he misplaced his phone! In fact I say nice evening but I actually remember him being so late. I kept telling him to not bother coming but he begged me, put the ‘I want to wake up with you all on my birthday’ card on me. Despite being late he was very affectionate and loving that evening (weird since I had just got back from Ibiza.) Anyway since then we’ve searched everywhere in this flat. It’s not here. I did ask him when we were communicating between getting the order and the order being served and of course he said ‘baby I promise you.’ But I don’t believe him, he’s just a scumbag thief as well as a violent abusive drug dealer. So I will replace my daughters phone. The 3rd one I’ve replaced the 5th one he’s interfered with in the space of 18 months! 3 smashed up, 1 ‘accidentally lost’ (despite me telling him to not let it leave my flat) and now this 1 suspected theft! Yuck! What an awful human! Never again!

The more I speak to M the more I realise how abusive he really was. M opened up to me about how I had hurt him when I went to Ibiza and did what I did with another man. There was no name calling, no hitting, no nothing in fact he just went quiet on me. My abuser over used my actions whilst he was in prison, over used to the max and felt that worthy of the most venomous words and actions. Why did I believe I deserved it all? He had a choice! I told him whilst he was still behind bars what I had done, he still came out 3 months later telling me it was ok and he wanted me. Telling me he even understood! He should have left, not abused me for 22 months!

I also remember how me and M would have disagreements. Differences in opinions are ok, it NEVER ever EVER ended by him bad mouthing me or undermining me or making me feel like I was going crazy. I am realising more and more how I actually got so so used to being called a Dickhead (that was his favourite one). Used to being tied up in knots and verbally abused repeatedly until I felt worthless and unloved. Used to being called bruv, slag or how I made him sick. None of this is normal. Too much I took, and I tell you something I won’t EVER be disrespected like that by a man ever again.

I’ve had a real positive weak. Looks like from next year myself and 3 other very inspirational women will be coming together to form a group to put a stop to abuse. We also what to provide services for women (and men) who don’t think they can leave. Who need support, as currently what is on offer is inadequate. If it wasn’t for my work and the people I was meeting I’d still be in it now. That’s a given!

I had a moment yesterday thinking about his ‘partners’ letter. You know the partner he calls a mistake to me. The partner he has denied since I found out. The partner who is completely deluded and thinks I’m just a bitter ex. The partner who thinks everything I’ve put in my blog is a lie. I came to realise that so fucking what. She’s irrelevant, one person who has known him for a few months whilst being his ‘side chick’ has no fucking idea. If she wants to lay down next to a man who deals drugs, has no job, carries a knife, hits women, cheats on her (cos he has already) and take him into her home for no financial gain then go for it love. The day I found her number there was another girl he was texting too ‘want to go for a drink!’ LOL so laughable!

I have new interest now, something I thought I would never ever do! I thought I would ALWAYS want him, ALWAYS crave that nice side of him. I thought I could never ever love someone the way I did him. So desperate for him to just act fucking right. I’m healing, I will never allow him to touch me ever again for as long as I live. If a man doesn’t respect me, he isn’t having my body SIMPLE AS THAT!