It was always going to be difficult and I think I got a little complacent believing that I was pretty much there, these last couple of days I feel like I have gone backwards a little bit. I am struggling to talk about it without being tearful and he is filling too much of my headspace once again.
I feel angry at the system, angry at the so called support for women like me and all I want is to make a change, really make a difference.
This is the reality I am the the center piece, then you have multiple agencies around me who are meant to be my support. BULLSHIT!
My solicitors barely communicate with me, I understand the Legal Aid agency need further info from me but I didn’t even receive a reply to the emails I sent. To then be told on the phone it wasn’t enough evidence once I called a week later. They don’t care about my mental health, they feel it acceptable to tell me I could be liable to costs already accrued and I may have to represent myself in court. They fail to understand that I owe 60k to a mortgage company, so get in line they will struggle to get a penny! That being said I must not let them get my back up, I’m just a number to them, I’m just money. They felt it ok to hand me that letter at a very inappropriate time and did not care in the slightest how that affected my mental health the weeks after. They are not my friends, they are not my support, but they got me the non-molestation order in place so I guess that I can be thankful for. They shouldn’t have supported the adjournment though and the fact my ex has failed to submit his statement in his defense by the given time (which I knew would happen) should mean he has his appeal rejected. Luckily Court has been postponed until January due to staff issues basically. I am glad, I am not strong enough to see him again yet. Which leads me on to my next point, I think requiring I’m there is simply awful. Being in the same room as him is literally so damaging. I can’t hear him talk, I feel sorry for him, I believe he is sorry. I want to hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok. I feel the guilty one for letting it get this far. If I had better boundaries, if I was stronger… I could go on!
I remember back in July believing I would only get away when he just lost interest and didn’t want me anymore. I felt THAT trapped I genuinely thought I had to wait for that day. I mentioned before that I even considered ‘cheating’ but I knew that wouldn’t work. The only way was and still is NO CONTACT.
Social services have been in our lives since January. Since the first incident I made known to the police. The lady from my eldest daughters primary school said today she believes that the fact my children were placed on a child protection plan back in March it gave me the push I needed. It didn’t, it did nothing. In my eyes I was so so so far away from having my children removed it wasn’t a concern to me at all. My social worker conducted visits I spoke of the ill treatment, even showed her my bruises and nothing was done. She advised I called the police but I felt so ashamed as I had gone to the police already 4 times, twice made full statements and then retracted them. The 3rd and 4th time I just wanted it recorded. What could the police do? I was so uneducated on the subject I thought common assault was the best he’d get and the police didn’t say no different. It’s me who has educated myself, yes the bruises are a chargeable offense but so is everything else. All elements of the abuse I became a victim too. The law change in December 2015 is not used enough, hardly any convictions in 2 years, professional bodies need more training on it and I am going to make sure that happens. I have a voice, I always have. I was talking but not being heard.
What about the women who don’t talk, who don’t have bruises? Who talks for them ??