The alcohol made me sick

.. so so sick!

I wasn’t even out long either and I came home to throw up everywhere. Gosh what a mess!

Luckily I had plans today with my nieces birthday but now it’s evening and I’m sat on my own I am struggling with these emotions. I have such an urge to speak to him it’s so insane!

I know it’s his mums birthday today, this time last year brings back raw nasty feelings for me. This time last year we were meant to be going to see his mum! He disappeared and did not contact me till 4pm Christmas Eve. Despite how fucking crippling that was on me, the conversation with his mum normalised it. I said he was probably with another girl and she told me I shouldn’t think the worst. Hilarious since I later found out he fucking was! It infuriates me that his behaviour that night was just ‘normal’ his mum wasn’t bothered, I had to just accept it and the whole time he was in some other girls bed whilst I had no sleep wondering where he was! Fuck sake, I thought this was meant to get easier and all I want to do is call him to make him accountable for all this disgusting abusive behaviour. She normalises it because that’s how she’s always been treated by men. It’s fucking wrong on so many levels. I want to tell him I hate him. I really fucking do!

I sorted out some of my book tonight. I will definitely get a proof reader to help me with it. I could do with someone to sort out the structure too as when I write with such emotion I am unsure how it all flows. I need to try get rid of these emotions in 2018 but how when even the first week brings back memories. When New Year’s Eve he promised that 2017 was going to be about me and him and our little family then later finding out he went to another girls house party. He really makes me fucking sick. I need help to get these thoughts dead and buried I really do!

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