Control

It’s only 9:30am but I do have the urge to write. We all had a lovely lay in this morning and are all still in our pyjamas. I will get us all ready soon so I can go out and finish my Christmas shopping!

So my urge to write is after a conversation with someone which reminded me about a lot of situations I found myself in. These situations sent me crazy, he had all the control and he knew it.

I cast my mind back to August the last time he ‘babysat’ his own daughter whilst I went out! The lead up was awful, I felt anxious constantly that he would just not show up or say he couldn’t do it at the last minute. I had actually made plans long before for an alternative sitter but that fell through 2 weeks before. The point is, I tried everything to find a replacement and relying on him was my worst case scenario! My daughters own father and he’s worst case, yes that really was the life I was living.

I couldn’t find another sitter and yes the lead up to it was awful. He used it against me all week, ‘well you best find another sitter then’ and when I wanted confirmation he would scream at me that I was doing his head in, wouldn’t give me a time and another time back in June when this happened he got me in such a state I wanted to commit suicide and told him that too. It was fucking awful.

When I knew I was getting picked up at 7pm on the August bank holiday, I then kept re-iterating that time to him. The day was a Saturday and he had actually said he would come in the afternoon to spend the day with us. He after all needed to spend some time with his own daughter too. I wasn’t overly excited about the idea but once again the promise fed into my desire for him, I figured well at least I wouldn’t be calling him all afternoon. Well the afternoon didn’t happen and I then found myself ringing him every 15 -30 mins, each time him saying he was on his way and won’t be long. Can you imagine that from 2pm right up until I was being picked up at 7pm! Hell is putting it mildly! What kind of person does that for over 4 hours??? He does, I was used to this kind of behavior!

Then at 6:30pm he was ‘baby this, baby that’ and said ‘just get your friend to wait.’ NO FUCKING WAY! Luckily I had already spoke to my neighbour and she came to my flat to sit whilst waiting for the incompetent man who was unfortunately my daughter’s father!

The stress didn’t stop there for an hour and a half he wasn’t answering my calls! I had to put on a false face to all my girls and not relax knowing I had a temporary babysitter until the absolute prick stepped up and got home! It’s these reasons I will deny contact. He should have been with us all day, not eventually turn up at 9pm!! What bonding happens with a baby after that time!? If I hadn’t had my neighbour that night I would have been absolutely beside my self sat at home knowing my night was absolutely ruined and that’s what he wants!

It still didn’t stop there. He was then constant with the calls and texts and I don’t even remember what was being said. What was evident was that I had the control, I was out! He was stuck at home and he could not fucking bare it! He kept ringing after I sent texts threatening to not come home. He was asking how long I was going to be. Went from calling me every name under the sun, like bad Mother for being out and potentially staying out all night (double standards). Then he’d obviously think better of that and call back being sweet, soft and sorry. How all he wants is his family and me home and a good future together.

I opened up to my friends friend that night who is a social worker. ‘I am being domestically abused.’ I still was wondering how I was going to get out but the force of going home to him and knowing he was at home with the baby was so powerful. It’s funny isn’t it when I was asked who has the baby and I said my ex.. people automatically say ‘that’s good!’ It’s what looks good, without all the shit that was thrown at me it did feel nice too! My man with his baby whilst I was out having some drinks.. how nice ey! If only I hadn’t nearly had two nervous breakdowns in the process.

When I got home he admitted he tried to call his brother to come watch out baby because he wanted to come find me! That isn’t normal! That is him losing control and desperate to keep me at home.

After then I NEVER asked him again to ‘babysit’ whilst I went out! But has since had a cheek to say I just leave my baby with strangers. He would rather I just didn’t go out and that is the TRUTH! He didn’t come home all  night the night before I was going to my friends hen party back in June, I had to call on my first daughters family to watch our baby otherwise I would not have been able to go. THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS! He ignored my calls all day until finally that evening he gave some bullshit calm excuse that of course I was just meant to accept. It was this very weekend I decided, I can NO LONGER LIVE LIKE THIS.

He would promise an hour or two whilst I went to the gym, this man couldn’t even do that!! Scenerio went like this “baby I’ve got you, you two are my world.” … “You have let me down before though.” I would say. “Have some faith in man please, I know how important this is for you. I swear on my life I will be there”. He’s not…… he’s not that sorry, thinks it is acceptable to just say ‘something came up.’

These are not the actions of somebody normal. Someone with a conscience. Someone who is meant to be in love with you. These are the actions of a narcissist.

When I planned Ibiza it was his mum and sister who babysat. They helped me hide it from him too. When he found out he was abusive to the core. He said he would go to London to help them out and of course spend time with his baby. Did he? Did he fuck? This is what I mean when I say he abuses his family too! Promised he would but doesn’t go. That’s how important his daughter is to him so now it is for him to prove otherwise!

Something else also came up in my conversation this morning. He always used to tell me when whatever his argument was at the time was failing that our baby was ‘half black and had other family too.’ Making out it was my responsibility to keep her involved in his side of the family. Literally made out it was all my fault she didn’t see them! I don’t see them calling me or asking and equally TAKE HER YOUR FUCKING SELF! These comments would drive me insane, no normal sane person would use this against someone. She’s your daughter, spend some real time with her and TAKE HER YOURSELF. I actually spoke to his sister daily!! Which his comeback was then ‘yes because you are a beg friend’…. LOL couldn’t win see.

The first time he got arrested after I called the police was his grans birthday obviously I never heard the last of it. Doesn’t matter that this time last year on 23rd December when we had planned to go see his own mum on her birthday he rang saying we would leave at 11pm and then he didn’t contact me again till 4pm the next day! Christmas fucking eve! The sick dirty cheating bastard! He chose a girl who didn’t even know his real name over being a family and visiting his mum on her birthday! He still denies it of course! Letting his sister down too! I hate him, I really fucking hate him! I really really could go on! There are so many times he controlled, so much manipulation! He used control ALOT, storming out and not coming home, leaving me in an hysterical state either pregnant or with a new baby. Hanging up the phone, telling me to call back in 10 mins and then not answer for 40 minutes. EVERY FUCKING THING HE CONTROLLED.

Leaving the house every morning, I had to wait for him. Even though he had no intention to stay with me or come with me. He would make me late to so many things. Tell me what to wear. Make me feel like I couldn’t talk about my opinions and beliefs. I couldn’t even tell him his baby had a bump at nursery because that would somehow be my fault.

God I am so pleased I never have to be controlled like that again. The man needs help!