Not a great day

The negative stuff from yesterday unfortunately spilled over in to today.

I feel shit. I feel fucking sad. I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on my worst enemy! I had my friends baby shower today, reminded me of mine. I was so anxious with everything going on, everything I was truly hiding and I even had a bruise on my face that I lied about.

It should have been a happy time, I should have been on cloud 9. I wasn’t I fucking wasn’t and he took ALL that experience away from me. I remember leaving him in London the morning of my baby shower and he was telling me how he didn’t want me to leave yet. He loved me massively and his eyes told me he was in love. Later I found out it was all a fucking lie. I can’t deal with it, how do I?

A guy I’m talking too had a flat tyre, reminded me of my flat tyre and the chaos HE caused! This time last year my blog is final, my blog is saying how much he’s begging me on his hands and knees but I wasn’t going back to him. I wish I never fucking did. What an idiot! I ordered the new SIM card today, I wish I knew what he did with the phones. Remembering the day he told me he lost it, never sorry, not really. The day he lost his bag with my keys, his passport and a knife in it. I got a fat lip that day, I tried to drive away but he ran into a busy road in front of me. Omg I hate it all. I hate all this.

Then his cousin sent me a message on Facebook after adding me as a friend, the same cousin who caused so much shit before! Asked me if I was with my ex, he needs to speak to him and could he have his number” I didn’t accept the message. Go AWAY!

I cried to M, he listened and then supported me. I then got angry at M. He said he would look after me if he could, well he can’t! That could all be a lie too! I cut the conversation short rudely, I need to apologise.

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. I haven’t been like this before. I feel needy, anxious and deeply hurt.

I’m going to look up trauma bonding tomorrow too.

Anyway daily glads:

I’m glad my daughters smiles make me so happy

I’m glad I resisted the Diet Coke, I’m now 6 days caffeine free.

I’m glad for haribos and cake

I’m glad I have good friends and family

I’m glad I’m not completely alone

 

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“Say cheese”