There was a post from a lady on one of the domestic abuse groups I’m in. I could so relate “I’ve told him it’s over, but he’s in prison and he’s ringing me telling me he loves me and he will change.” Been there done that! The way the do it is soooo convincing. Every bloody time I genuinely thought well this time is different because of this this and that. It’s crazy insane when I look back.

Throughout my relationship with my babies father I was so confused as to why he made out so badly that he loved me. Couldn’t let me go. After every vile row, every promise he broke, every time he disappeared and every time he cheated. Even the last time I saw him at court! He acted so sincere, so desperate, so scared, so so in love, he seemed angry with himself and he made me feel incredibly loved. Everyone on the post was saying “he’s love bombing you” and the descriptions of lovebombing repeated throughout.

It’s a manipulation tactic to make you feel charmed, loved and a way to reel you back in. It’s their way to hook you. When they lovebomb it’s virtually impossible to not get sucked back in. It was like a drug. I always described it as an alcoholic having a bottle of vodka screaming saying ‘drink me’, it was like far too easy to get sucked back. My head would be screaming no but my body doing differently.

I genuinely believed him. More recently when he was in my presence I loved him, believed him, (apart from when he was shouting at me) but my head would be screaming ‘no he’s lying’, ‘he’s done this before’ but I was given no choice. All four women I outed him on, even before me finding out and he would swear. He would be so convincing, he would lovebomb me to the point where I would question my own integrity, my own sanity and have no choice but to just ‘go with it’ then as soon as he left again, I hated him. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust him AT ALL. This time round he seemed even more bothered that I didn’t believe him, so of course that sent my mind in overdrive some more. When all the time he was lying, lying so well and so coldly. A narcissist never feels guilty about his lies but only turns them back round on you. “Bet you’re happy now you can open your dirty legs to the men in your phone” and “what did you expect” and oh his favourite “all I know is if you hadn’t of wronged me when you was in jail I would have given you my world.”

I went on a long walk today and still so many vivid scenarios in my head. The lovebombing, then the lies being revealed, they go over and over. I get angry, I feel pure anger. It’s awful. I still wonder what he’s thinking and what’s going through his head. I’m sure he doesn’t feel bad for how he’s treated me, or how he’s destroyed every bone in my body, no course not. Asshole.

Anyway aside from my long walk and the bad feelings, I’ve had a good day. I got my nails done, bought some new items and chilled with friends in the evening. My daily glads!

I’m glad my nails look so nice with the heat colour changing nail polish.

I’m glad my Timberlands were £122 from £175

I’m glad I chose my daughter some trainers and they were also reduced when I paid for them

I’m glad my eldest daughter now has a phone after a bad person stole hers

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