Bare with me guys, I don’t even have the motivation to write an interesting post. I have many topic areas I can write about but I just feel so meh right now. I feel that it is important to share this though. It’s still ok that I have bad days, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. He was in my head, the love of my life, a love that so cruelly destroyed me and left me feeling like I had gone to war.
It’s been over a month since I even heard his voice. It’s been two months since I last had him hold me, kiss me, and share my bed with him. I miss him, kinda, but I don’t at all. He bought nothing but chaos, he was so vile to me yet so lovely as well. I felt safe with him then scared of what was about to blow. I never knew what to expect. I wanted to take care of him, help him, guide him, exactly what empaths think they can do. He seemed so lost, so confused, so lonely, so sincere and loving. In reality he took took and took from me until I finally had enough. He never cared about me not really, he isn’t capable and that is hard to accept, hard to come to terms with. Everything was all a lie, it was all a fantasy and the reality was killing me. Killing me very slowly.
M told me last night that I am ‘too nice’ he said that it was the reason he found me irritating at times, that I’ve let people take the piss. However he did then say that’s what he likes about me too. How do I work on this to stop anything like this happening again? I have an idea but right now it feels impossible. I don’t want to be selfish with no empathy, but I don’t want to be abused again. I am me, I share people’s pain, I always have. I don’t want to ever see anyone upset, even someone who has wronged me so so bad.
I hear the ‘you was too fat for me’ for his reason for cheating and trying to defend his new lie of cheating again. That gives me motivation. Gym again today. I’ve got this 💪🏼
Tomorrow is a new day 💞