Disappearing acts

So someone wrote a post in a Facebook group about how her partner made an argument over nothing and stormed out. Didn’t come home all weekend , blocked her on WhatsApp and came back blaming said woman/Mother for the reason he went.

Not only is that something I dealt with weekly sometimes twice/three times a week and brings back raw memories it has literally over 500 comments all stating the same, “if my partner did that he’d be gone,” “you deserve so much better,” “how immature” etc etc. Of course NO ONE thinks that it is acceptable or even justifiable NO MATTER THE REASON and that is comforting! However it is worrying that about 95% of these comments are not realising how fucking difficult it is to just leave after that.

Obviously I don’t know the background, is it an isolated incident? (because I’m pretty damn certain if it was and completely out of character the majority wouldn’t just ‘kick him out’ as suggested). It is alongside other abusive traits ? Then it is highly likely she will be manipulated, she won’t leave easily, he won’t let her. She’ll be angry and upset but he’ll do everything and more to make sure she is still hooked on to him. My point is when someone does something like this to me I see major red flags, it’s a high form of emotional abuse. He wants the control, he has no regard for the woman he is meant to love and his child and he is quite frankly a disgusting animal. That is in fact a technical term.

My ex used to normalise it, if I questioned his where abouts he would turn it back round on me so I was apologising. He would say things like ‘I shouldn’t be in a relationship, I just want to be my own person’ and not have any fucking regard at all for how I had been feeling the whole time he was AWOL. This isolation is high up on the emotional abuse scale. He just never fucking got it. His mother and sister never seemed to get it either !! Just told me stories about how he did it to them all the time growing up. IT IS NOT NORMAL!

Sometimes he did it to just stay out longer drinking with his friends. He would tell me a time, be uncontactable and completely ignore any plans we made as a couple. He would barely be sorry, sleep all day and not care how he made me feel.

It started off with a few hours, then it was all night, then it became days too!!! I normalised it my fucking self … ‘this is what he does.’ Most of the time he would come back, begging forgiveness, with some mad story or of course just like the woman from the post. He would blame me! The fact this woman had to ask 40,000 mothers whether it was her fault is a major concern. She should know it is not her fault and even if it was … NO HUMAN BEING SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE THAT!!

During the time he disappeared I would be beside myself, unable to sleep, so angry with myself that I had ‘allowed’ this treatment again, you then start wondering about HOW you should be reacting. “I expected it right” became my thought process but early on I didn’t know what to think “had he been arrested”, “was he hurt”, “should I call for help.” It’s a constant mind game of confusion. All you can do is wonder WHY?

He did this to me even before he went to prison. Before the abuse really started. He was testing and pushing my boundaries. When he turned up I would be more thankful that he was ok, almost like when your child runs off and you lose them in a supermarket. It REALLY is that emotion. Obviously it was only like that early on, before the storming out and complete disrespect but it is still DISRESPECT. It causes you to question your relationship, his love for you. I remember repeating to  myself countless times out loud.. ‘he doesnt love me, he doesnt love me, GET rid OF HIM.’ Seriously like a crazy woman… pregnant and alone, but as soon as he was back I was reeled straight back in. He would be so sorry, believing that just ‘I got caught up’ was a good enough excuse.

The most painful was after I gave birth to our baby, disappeared when I needed him most. When I couldn’t get out of bed after a c-section, I shouldn’t have been on my own AT ALL. Yet because I told him off for smelling like cannabis around my precious new baby he felt that that was his golden ticket to go and not come back. All night! I was devastated!

As it got worse he would do it after completely destroying me in person, leaving me with bruises and me close to hyperventilating through the pain and tears. ‘I can’t deal with this shit’ and storm out. He would do it on the phone, a conversation would turn 0 – 100 in minutes ‘get off my line you fucking dickhead’, hang up the phone and not again answer me. I still feel that pain now, the sheer disrespect, the sheer anger of how he thinks it ok to treat me like that, the upset that caused and how I was just lonely and trapped. Sometimes he would tell me he was coming at a certain time and not come!! OMG thinking about it now makes me want to go absolutely mental! LOL how fucking dumb I was to keep allowing this treatment. But I understand why I did and that is important for my recovery and healing process.

Then there were the times I KNEW HE WAS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!! I KNEW IT!! The pain I felt was crippling, so so devastating. Sometimes he actually didn’t even care I knew and acted like I was being unreasonable in front of said woman (well girl) on the phone when he finally answered after a night of ghosting. Forgetting exactly what he had been promising me just 12 hours previous. He’s a sociopath and there is no doubt in my mind. That behaviour is absolutely sickening, disturbing and especially to the mother of your own child. Knowing his daughter was in my care and I was a crumbled mess. I couldn’t do that to someone I hated let alone anyone else, lie that well, be that sick, evil and cold. It’s disturbing. I couldn’t even do that to him now!!

I’ve woke up early this morning and full of emotion and rage. It is true the further you step out of it, the clearer you see!

Often I wouldn’t even be THAT mad in fear he would do it again. The tone of his voice was unbelievable and the words were even worse, at these times he genuinely does not see it as an issue. He’s a grown man apparently , funny how 400+ women have commented saying it’s a childish thing to do. He should look at what a grown man does and how they behave because it certainly wasn’t like him! However when he was like this the manipulation was chronic. I would question whether it was my fault, I shouldn’t have done this or that and as I say I normalised it too. At other times he was that charming man, the one who would look deep into your soul. So so deep, hold you tight and seem so sincere in his sorry. At these times you think he feels bad, you think he won’t ever do it again, he understands now how it makes you feel.

Of course this is all a lie. He is incapable of understanding how anyone feels but himself!

The point with all this post is … we can all say what we would do in this situation, we can all say how wrong that behaviour is but being that person who it is happening too is truly truly devastating. It is a highly manipulative tactic and it’s women like her I need to help. I still went back, every God damn time. Even the last time when he answered his phone and made out to his latest supply that we hadn’t slept together in months. My heart was being ripped out, my head was exploding and I was pacing up and down just repeating to him “are you joking??”. Making out that I was crazy, I had made it all up…. Later that evening he said “yeh sorry about that, that wasn’t nice.” Two weeks later he was in my bed again for the last and final time!!

I mean it this time!