I have to laugh..

.. because I have done enough crying today. My abuser is still trying to control my emotions, trying hard to destroy me and upset me but I can’t and shall not let him. I’m making this all very very public because the more I talk about it the more I see it for what it really is. Laughable! His last desperate attempt to discredit me, control me, and make him look like a model reformed character.

As expected he didn’t attend HIS appeal this morning, I went unrepresented and I was told about a nasty statement he had wrote. The legal advisor gave me the chance to read it but also said it is not clear of his intention, after all the idea is for it to be his ‘defence’. She told me it is very irrelevant and things that the court are not interested in, again proving that this is all about ‘revenge’ and all about him. I wasn’t expecting a statement and I certainly was no way expecting what was in the statement. I felt sick! I didn’t feel strong anymore. I wanted to give up, I wanted it all over and my heart bled when the magistrates said he would be given one more chance to attend a hearing. I broke down, I wanted this all over I pleaded, I want the abuse to stop. I’ve been through too much.

I am too upset to go into detail of the things in the letter right now, plus I would be here all night pulling apart each and every single sentence he wrote. In a nutshell, I am a prostitute to fund my cocaine habit and I am also addicted to sadomasochism (which I did have to google.) I mean wow! It is also clear he didn’t write it, his mother spells my baby’s name wrong just like in the letter and he can barely write a text message.

How did I actually love this man? I gave him everything and not just Chlamydia like he’s stating. I gave him a home, I gave him support, I funded him with food and encouraged him to work. I wanted nothing for him but to change his life. In return he’s cheated, abused me, made me question my own reality and hit me. He is further abusing me through the courts. This man is incapable of love. How does he sleep at night?

I have a good support network, and people who love me and know the truth about me. I have everything and I won’t let him control my emotions anymore with his narcissistic self. I must put it to the back of my mind and not allow this to cloud my life. He’s taught me pain like no other, taught me to not trust or care to deeply and taught me that some people out there really are not human.