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The most damaging of all the abuse is the lies. Every one tells small white lies but a pathological liar will tell a lie even when the truth isn’t something that would get him into trouble.
A pathological liar would say they had been to Costa for a coffee but in fact had a milkshake from McDonald’s. They will lie about anything they can get away with. I still remember my mind early on thinking ‘that doesn’t add up’ and ‘that doesn’t make sense’ but the lie was so small it didn’t seem to matter. Now I know this is a major red flag!
Last month on his birthday for instance he had our daughter and he said he was on the way to me and I should wait for him at home. 10 minutes he would be , 30 minutes went by and he said he was in the car. ‘You don’t sound like you’re in a car’ I say, a pathological liar will then react in an abusive way once he has been found out. The conversation gets heated, where he’s protecting his lie and finally he says ‘no you’re right I had to pull over because she had an explosion in her nappy.’ I ended up going to him and picking up my daughter to realise later there is no way her nappy had just been changed. A bizarre lie, unnecessary, he was where he said he was, just not in a car. It made no odds to me as I wanted to go to the supermarket anyway just unnecessary arguments because of the lies. Just why lie??? The truth was ok!
He lies to everyone, I see it constantly. Usually about where he is at any given time when he’s meant to be somewhere else. August for his sisters birthday was a particularly bad weekend. The best lie to his own mother ‘yes mum I’m just at MK station.’ The boy wasn’t even dressed! He was so set on trying to convince me that ‘he loved me’ and ‘he was going to put everything right’ he was in absolutely no rush at all to go see his family. Not caring about the fact he was already almost 24 hours late.
I can honestly say I have found the lying the most damaging. The bruises heal, the names he calls me are wiped away when he’s on his ‘nice’ side and I actually think how laughable some of it is. But the lies are damaging, destructive, evil and hard to explain. They make you feel like you are going mad! MAD! They believe their own lies they just must do. They will grab you and look deep into your soul, enough so you question everything you know. You question your own integrity, even question your own sanity. It’s so fucking powerful you have no choice.
Mainly the most destructive lies are that around his infidelity. Narcissists have a habit of promising you the world, they live in their own fantasy and often may well believe what they are saying. Even after you discover the truth they lie some more going between each woman manipulating both, making them believe they are the ‘chosen one.’ Like some sick love triangle that feeds into his ego and hurts and destroys in the process.
Since June of this year (just 6 weeks after we got back together) I have been telling him I do not want to be with him. The abusive behaviour was returning, he was drug dealing constantly, no plans to get a job (no real ones just lies) and his behaviours were reminding me of all the deceit I endured previously! I deserved better and I know longer was desperate for our family.
I needed out.
An abuser can’t bear that fact and begins his lies ‘all this is for you’, ‘I went to the job centre this week’, ‘it’s going to end next week when I have someone to cover me’, ‘I’m making enough money to set us up’, and ‘I can treat you like the Queen you deserve.’ They live in a fantasy world!! I do not KNOW the amount of times he’s had his car theory test booked, or how many times he’s seen probation and they have Work lined up. His favourite is ‘I’ll have some money for you next week.’ He hasn’t of course, they are all lies! All a control tactic so you will keep the communication up, knowing I would ring him asking for that money he promised.
Rather than just accepting I wanted to be on my own and not be with him he explains he will give me space. He carries on asking ‘how’s my beautiful wife’ , ‘I can’t lose you’ and ‘I’m going to prove it to you.’ ‘No way is this it’ he screams. I feel trapped, I still have someone who I am in love with (addicted to) promising me all this and it’s all part of his abusive cycle. Like a vodka bottle screaming drink me and it’s impossible to get out of.
“I know I don’t have a future with him, I don’t know how to get out of it and at that point all I know is I WILL.”
He rarely came by to see baby and it’s all about me, and that is where I am weak. There shouldn’t be no half way relationship (this is how it came to blows before) I made my decision and I should have stuck with it. Going along with it just seemed the easier option. Screams of ‘You are my woman’ or ‘you can meet someone else now you slag’, the first was less tiring. It was easier to just accept it, not make any issues. If I acted cold or said ‘we are not together’, he would get angry, violent, nasty and actually quite scary.
Cutting contact completely seemed too extreme and his manipulation made me fear the repercussions of that. He’s clever really. Not now though he really has pushed me too far. My daughter is NOT being exposed to his lies.
Hearing how he was going to show me what I mean to him repeatedly caused more pain when he just didn’t. Broken promises hurt. Everyone wants to hear the things he was saying and to then just deceive me is so painful. One particular evening when he was telling me all day he was coming to see me and how he he couldn’t wait. He was so excited apparently and I was not given a choice but to allow him this time. I ended up packing up all his stuff and it was in the bathroom for weeks. Middle of August it was, we had standard conversations throughout the day where he would keep saying ‘I’m going to be an hour’ .. 11am eventually turned into ‘I will be 20 minutes baby’ at 6pm and he just never showed. What kind of vile psychotic animal does that? All night I was ringing his phone and the reminders of HOW many times he put me through this previously. It’s sick, twisted, disrespectful, damaging and totally unforgivable.
He was with someone else. It was obvious and I am not stupid!! Of course he denied it and even though now I 100% know different he still will never admit! We’ve been here before! I was abused for ever suggesting it. I was the one saying sorry. After this occasion he even got our social worker in on his lies, she past on his messages ‘he will do what it takes to be a family.’ Always making promises he had no intention to keep.
He had his chance to leave me alone. He had his chances to just be a father without coming by feeling entitled to my body. Now he has ruined that.
How does someone get over all the lying? It is scary how well he lies. For weeks I’ve been saying how fucking obvious it has been, it’s him all over, he doesn’t have a home, when I’m pushing him away he needs another supply. He managed to get away with it for so long because I barely ring him. He’s come by stinking when he needs a shower. Like honestly. He’s not showering 4-5 days and shows up absolutely stinking. The empath in me lets him in ‘ I need you’, ‘I’ve been hurt’ alongside some fabricated story about a fight he’s had, ‘all I’ve been thinking about is you.’ Of course at 1 o’clock in the morning I can hardly say no, this particular time was early September, the next morning I got a punch in my leg for not ‘caring enough’. See how quick these cycles were. Crazy!
More recently I’ve got more angry with him, when he wasn’t around my mind would be going over and over. Second guessing EVERYTHING he’s ever said, remembering the times he lied before and when the truth was revealed he didn’t even seem bothered. A normal person feels embarrassed when lies are revealed, not a person like him. He believes it his right to lie, there’s a reason and it isn’t that bad anyway. He then expects trust like it’s a given right!
At these times he tells me I’m abusive to him. I probably am. Telling him I hate him daily, how disgusting he is, cheating and lying constantly. He would flip back and say worse but then quickly be so desperate for us to not argue. He definitely could realise he was losing control, so would switch on the charm (lovebombing.)
“Baby I’ve treated you so bad, I understand why you feel like this” and “I’m going to help you” and “you are my fucking world. I can’t even look at another woman.” He was so set on making out that it’s just my insecurities this time because of his previous track record I actually believe him. I believe that ‘he didn’t know what he had to lose last time.’ I believe when he’s around because he’s a a clever good liar. When I’m not wrapped up with his lies and charms my gut knows.. underneath I’m not as stupid as I’ve appeared to be for nearly 2 years. I’m not!
A pathological liar will not change, they only get found out by someone close to them. Psychologists have often said that it is in fact a mental disorder which begins from someone with such low self esteem they are hell bent on bringing others down and making themselves seem more attractive to everyone around them. When he can talk about a job lined up or his driving test booked or another favourite of his ‘I’ve bought you (or baby) something.’ Interesting when said thing never showed, it is then another lie as to why. It’s a complicated spiral web of manipulation and it’s fucking difficult to escape.
To everyone and anyone who will listen I am the liar, and oh they will believe him. They have no reason to not when he’s this much of a liar, it’s the way he gets through life.
He may be a good liar …. but he will be found out!