I’m still here..

.. and I’m still battling.

Months have passed since my last blog post and I felt like I had my control back. The ex was ‘manageable’ shall I say and other than just believing that my only hope of ever moving on properly was when his lifestyle finally caught up with him, I was doing ok. I had some freedom when he took his daughter to his family in London. He was always contactable if I needed him and he gave me money.

I had convinced myself I had no time for a man anyway, and to keep the peace and get his support I had to play ‘nice.’

It is hard to sum up the past 3 months but let’s just say … he takes up STILL too much of my headspace. I am not healed, I am not living my life to it’s full potential and I am still very much allowing him to control too much in my life.

Today marks the 8th day that he has disappeared. 8 days of absolute silence, I should be enjoying it but it’s deeper than that. It brings back memories (even though he’s never gone this long before), I feel anxious not knowing when he’s going to turn up, and I feel ANGRY he feels that this is acceptable! Not only that it’s acceptable but that he can still spill lies about how much I mean to him but he can do this?!? His daughter has actually stopped asking for daddy now and you know what, good. It’s easier for her to learn now that daddy is an absolute degenerate of society than later in her life.

This disappearance has prompted me to really make a decision. The support is good but it’s constantly on his terms and it’s slowly got worse. He’s hit me again since he’s been back to the point I struggled to walk and I’ve had to hear bullshit about how I’m a racist for dressing up our daughter as Moana. He tells me he loves me, that his current lifestyle is only to secure our future and it’s all stuff I ALWAYS heard before. The good thing is, this time I don’t care what he has to say, I don’t care even if he come good.. I do not want to be romantically involved with him at all!

That being said my emotions are still being played with as the more these lies spill out of his mouth, I still want him to be held accountable. The honest kind person in me just cannot understand how another human person functions in this way. No compassion, no remorse and just believes it’s his right that I believe every single thing he says. If I don’t? Then I am just weird and in the wrong.

His mum reached out to me the evening of the last time I saw him, I think she was just concerned of his whereabouts. Earlier on in that week he had got arrested which regarded a firearm and some other stuff. They let him go, but his phone was taken. That week I didn’t see him for 4 full days, when he made an appearance, he was kind, affectionate but he looked a state. Before he was arrested he asked me to get back together, do things ‘properly’ my response wasn’t what he liked and I was the one left in a state when I endured so much verbal abuse and manipulated into feeling like I had made the wrong decision. I knew then I needed space again, I was close to be deeply hurt again.

Of course it wasn’t the wrong decision, of course, in his head he’s done everything he can to prove he’s sorry. Why can’t he see that the person who came back into our lives end of January desperate needy and sorry is miles apart from the person who he is living as now!? Dealing drugs is all he cares about and has no intention of stopping (despite what he says.)

So… Saturday I’m making the journey to visit his mum. The first time since everything happened. No idea how that will go but I will stay true to me. This behaviour is disgusting, it doesn’t matter what anyone says. Someone who lives a normal honest life would never see this as acceptable. It’s emotionally abusive and on his daughter too.

I will not allow her to believe that this is ‘normal’ she’s worth a million times more than that and so do I.