Here we go again…

Again a few weeks have passed and my life has not stopped.

His last disappearance actually had an explanation and something happened that possibly should of meant we could say goodbye but in fact it only bought us closer together. He hasn’t been particularly abusive since, or controlling and apart from the last blog post he has been ‘manageable’ all year, like I explained in that post.

The route cause however is still the problem in his life. He has begged me back, he has promised me things, he’s cried, he’s said sorry, he accepts and owns up to the ill treatment but yet still fails to see the problem with everything. My tolerance levels are not good with him and I am quick to get angry, quick to call him bad names, all because I see flashbacks in my head. Reminders of the awful times before. Resentment and pain. He says he wishes he could rewind time to when we first met, his mum even said that possibly the lifestyle he chose is the reason me and him just did not work. I was NEVER going to accept the life he lived, EVER and the patterns of our relationship would continue to happen unless he just stopped. More recently when he was making his pleas for a relationship with me again and promising with his life he wouldn’t touch another woman ever in his life. He believes it, he does, but it’s inevitable when I am getting on at him he’ll find a female that won’t care about his illegal activity. I will go on tinder in the hope to find someone and history just repeats. He believes during the time he was cheating and being nasty that that wasn’t him, that he was in a trance and brain washed by the people around him. Yet he doesn’t remove him self. I have been seeing someone, very casual.. he went through my phone and flipped but still so desperate to not lose me. It’s like role reversal, if he doesn’t hear from me he says he feels sick.. the thought of me with him, and I hear in his voice the pain I felt so many times when it was me wondering where he was and who he was with. I shouldn’t care, I should want him to feel this way right? I don’t. I feel bad.

Thursday evening I get a withheld caller, it’s the police… asking me if it’s ok if I speak with him. He had been arrested, remanded till court and we got to speak for way over 20 minutes. He was emotional, he could hear the little girl we both brought into the world shouting ‘daddy daddy’ and he was adamant if he got out he was done. He was going straight, repeating that he wants me, he loves me and he wants a real life. I know different… if he got out he wouldn’t stop. He’s like a fish, forgets how adamant he is and at the time of being shook with the prospect of jail. Earlier this year when he was on tag for carrying a knife (that they couldn’t fully prove was his in the end)he said he would never carry one again… he did. He begged me to go to court, to hear his bail plea the next day. I was tempted but I knew it’s not my place anymore. I can’t keep being there for him. I did the next best thing and when his mates girlfriend messaged me on Facebook I told them he had been charged and also another friend so they could be there. His friend said he told him to ring me straight away after the decision had been made, he’s been remanded.

It doesn’t feel as devastating as last time, I haven’t shed a tear, and like I said to him it wasn’t a case of if… it was when. This was ALWAYS going to happen and I have waited for this for way over a year. I wanted it to happen, the only chance he’s got to turn his life around, for me to get real space. I cannot shake that a small part of me wants him to come good. I love him, that won’t ever change, when I’m with him I still feel hugely ‘in love’ but distancing myself helps that massively. I feel gutted for him, but he bought it on himself. He’s devastated that he will miss babas birthday and we planned to go Peppa Pig World. His friends girlfriend was telling me it’s all he talks about and he’s so proud. I tried, I had the same conversation daily with him for months but nothing helped. I did all I could and had a pretty rough time in the process.

3rd October is his plea hearing, from the conversation we had on the phone he’s pleading not guilty. His friend and brother got off after being remanded earlier this year, the police are pretty useless in catching these people properly. The evidence needs to be proven to the extent that there could be no reasonable doubt in a reasonable persons mind that he is guilty. His brother and mates case didn’t even get to trial, came back to the court for a bail hearing and it was decided that the evidence was not enough. Trial was pointless. I’m no criminal lawyer but it doesn’t seem tight, his previous is what has got him remanded not the case. In 2014 he didn’t get remanded despite concrete evidence and no hope in anything but a guilty plea. Regardless of what happens he’s there now, he’s answerable to himself and I get some breathing space.