2019 is not far away. Recently I’ve been ok, but only ok. The ex is still in prison and I have visited him. I feel it’s the best thing to do for our daughter and a small part of me still feels like it is my place to make sure he doesn’t feel alone and unhappy.
On Saturday he told me he got sentenced. 4 years he got. That triggered me, visions of the time before. The pain it caused when we were ripped apart back in 2014. Hearing all his promises and pleas, just like before but this time I know different.
He rang this morning wishing he was with his daughter on Christmas Day, seeing her excited etc. Angrily I reminded him of Christmas 2016, again flashbacks of the vile ill treatment and I calmly tell him how he wasn’t bothered then!
Tonight I’ve realised even more so that I am not healed and I am not ok. For a few months I am not sleeping well and my dreams are vivid and I wake up throughout the night. Dreams are standard stuff like him going AWOL, infidelity and even death. The episode of Eastenders tonight has left me close to a panic attack. The vile shouting, the pushing and shoving .. the history of Kat and Alfie being thrown back on each other like it’s a competition on who could hurt the most. I felt Kat’s pain, luckily my ex didn’t have a baby with a family member, he didn’t have a baby with anyone. That infidelity though, cuts … cuts so deep. I remember how it felt, the days I found out. Knife in my heart.
How Alfie has tried to manipulate everyone around him. The emotions running so so high. It was a really tough watch.
2019 I will blog more again, continuing to work on myself. I told a friend tonight how until I am happy within myself I will not be dating or meeting any men. I will not seek happiness via a man, I will not.
However apart from the most depressing episode of Eastenders, I have had such a lovely day. I am so blessed with my two beautiful children and I am closer to where I want to be than this time last year.
This time two years ago I was being called a fucking prick and being threatened and bribed just for him to stay in with me and his baby on Christmas Day.
Every day is a step closer to where I want to be xx