A week on Monday I am presenting my presentation on boundaries to a group of fellow networkers. I’ve distanced myself from reading all about narcissism and abuse for a few days. It got too much, and I felt I was reliving too much of the abuse. He’s an abusive man there are no two ways about it I didn’t need to keep finding proof of that.
I’ve been in a better place recently. Like mentioned before realising more and more how a person should be treated by a sexual partner or even a close friend. It’s mad how much I put up with and how much I justified and considered normal.
I’ve been preparing my presentation and the more I am away and out of the abuse I can literally tick the majority of any lists that are about abuse available. Like the Stuff that is considered as emotional abuse and not just awful vile name calling.
• living in your home, and not contributing to the bills (boy yes. Always promised money but withheld it when I did something wrong)
• damaging your property – punching walls/smashing phones (3 holes in my wall and 3 phones)
• serial cheating and then blaming you for doing so (ALWAYS)
• threatening to cheat when sex is denied (he would tell me ‘you think I need your dead sex anyway’)
• cheating to prove that they are more desired than you are & telling you you will never find better (I can picture him now touching his face , saying how handsome he was and how I was old and ‘past it’)
• attempting to control what you wear – YES I have a voice recording of evidence of this
• Sexual coercion !!
~ making you feel like you owe them
~ continue to pressure you after you say no
~ playing on the fact you’re in a relationship – ‘if I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it elsewhere’ and his favourite ‘what a joke, can’t even get sex from my own woman’ oh and ‘you just can’t keep up with me’
~ trying to normalise their sexual expectations ‘I need it, I’m a man’
~ reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree
This was all taken from an American domestic violence website. There were obviously many more abusive traits I just kept ticking off in my head. An abusive man to the very core, and for so so long I didn’t see it! I remember feeling mad with my old health visitor ‘he’s controlling’, she told me! I got my back up, convinced myself he wasn’t as I was allowed to go about my business. But the truth is ALL these things are about control, controlling the way I feel about myself, respect myself, things I do! I could go on, but I have a lot in this blog already.
I’m so excited about my presentation and I have booked in 5 more slots for next year around the East Midlands area. I will talk about these personal boundaries and then also the boundaries business owners should have. With that it links with my work and what my services are whilst networking.
We have court again next week, I feel petrified. I am also worried I won’t have even sorted legal aid in that time due to the fact I am giving up my mortgage. I shall not worry myself, it isn’t something I can change. However what I can remind myself is that I am now in control. I now have boundaries in place. I’ve evidenced that within new relationships (I use the word relationship loosely) but I know what it is to be respected now and what not to put up with. Lack of consideration for my feelings, ignoring blatant questions I have asked, anything verbally abusive, making me feel anyway other than content … then no! He’s got to go!