Days like these ..

When you want to cry but there are no tears, your heart feels heavy, your mind feels stuffy. This is my current state.

I feel like I want to shout so hard, but I have no words. I am numb. My past feels like just a nightmare that I didn’t really live.

I sometimes feel like I am healed, I can forgive. When I don’t feel like that I wonder if I am just kidding myself.

We went to go see him on Sunday, back to the prison he spent majority of his sentence at before. It felt so weird, this time I can sit in silence and feel so cold against him. I grieve the relationship we HAD, I feel resentment that it was him that ruined it all. Yet maybe I did? Maybe my behaviour when he was inside was what tipped him over the edge. I am very empathetic of other people’s feelings hence why I put up with so much shit from him, but I need to think about me! Look after me!

He attempted to distort my reality again when he was convinced he watched our daughter for 6 weeks whilst I was on a course. There was no course!! I had to tell him 5 times he had this wrong. My voice raised and I was very coherent in expressing how wrong he had this.

In his head ‘an amazing dad who looked after his child for 6 weeks whilst mummy went on a course’

The reality ‘3 weeks of anxiety, hell and no sleep when I started my new job. If I was late home he would threaten that he wouldn’t watch his own daughter the next day. I even had to drive all the way to London for childcare because I had ‘upset him’ and he wanted to punish me. One night I stayed at my nans because of a threat. Knowing how much my new job meant to me he would use his presence as power. Told me nursery wasn’t an option, he would look after our baby, he abused this. Couple of nights he fell asleep in the crack dens he would deal drugs from. I would call him at all hours and he’d scream at me for not trusting him. Ignoring my phone calls and pushing my buttons by showing up late. THAT is what happened. THAT was the reality!

He hung his head in shame on Sunday, maybe it clicked but this conversation isn’t new. I wonder when he tells me again I went on a course?

I watch Teen Mom UK and get triggers. The lying, the other women, the mind games. I remember what I went through. The feelings come back. I sympathise with these mums.

He tells me he’s doing lots of courses in prison. Courses about empathy and abuse. It helps when we talk, I hear him apologise. I hear him tell me how when I learns certain things it makes him think about me. He tells me he openly talks with the others about how badly he treated me. Other time I have no energy to talk to him. I can easily ignore his call, treat him the way he once treated me. What a mess.

I am going to make a conscious effort to read more, do some personal development and start to love myself. It’s been over 12 months! How long does it take ??