Someone said to me this week ‘I know it’s easy to forget and you remember the good times’, it came from a good place but they honestly could not be more wrong.
When you are free from the hell and your life is pretty silent, you still never ever forget. I told the ex who called me from jail after hearing his promises and clearly still having no regard for my boundaries that I could possibly forgive but I could never ever forget. He took that as progress because well he would, he hears what he wants to hear.
I wish I could forget. I took a journey today that triggered me bad. It was the journey I regularly took when I lived at my old flat and when my daughter was at her old nursery. I was anxious, I felt sad. Screams in my head, fearing the evening ahead, remembering every single thing I was put through. I was actually going to the hospital, I had an MRI scan appointment and as I walk into radiology I get the flashbacks again. The exact same place I went for my daughters scan when pregnant. Memories of being pregnant are not positive and I resent him for that. My daughter is 3 and this experience is still so vivid .. will it ever go away?
I still really want to write my book. I really do. I just feel like the journey has not ended yet. How can I write when there are still chapters that have not been lived yet?