It’s hard to blog when your identity is no longer hidden. Whilst typing this opening sentence I decided to take the web address to this blog down from across my social media. I want to be real as possible again .. my current settings meant that the men I have been seeing (if you could call it that) may stumble across this and that’s awkward AF. Twitter is ok right? Twitter can stay.
It is no coincidence I am watching ‘You’ as writing this, but if I get my own stalker. Twitter will have to go too. Sorry!
I know I had a similar goal last year, to blog more but let’s go with it again. Yes I was abused, yes I still want to write a book of my experience but since the abuse has stopped I want to go back to blogging about everything going on in my life.
Dating, sex, and all things man but also my new found love for cooking (going a bit far) and my love of the gym.
2018 saw me generally wasting time on the same men. I did not date one single new man! There was Ibiza, and a random one night stand, I call him ‘Bouncer boy.’ He doesn’t bounce or anything, I just met him working the doors.
Anyway, M… remember him? My distraction, my support when I got the non molestation order. Yes risky business with him being in prison and with him being the man I saw whilst my abuser was first in jail but at the time I needed him. He helped me massively. He got ROTL over Christmas, release on temporary licence and despite feeling a bit distance prior to his pleas of going to see him, I went to see him. Now me and him go through stages, we talk a lot, even tell each other ‘I love you’ and it feels sincere. Then I go distant and have to shake myself, I absolutely cannot jump into a relationship with this man upon release … like hellllloooo. Or he’ll go distant and we don’t talk for him to later say he has to protect himself because of where he is. I believe him. Christmas was the 3rd time I have physically seen him since non-mol time. The 2nd time I left thinking Fuck, I want him home properly.. now I don’t know if it’s me coming to my senses and realising that someone serving a nearly 9 year sentence really isn’t potential husband material or what … but this time, it wasn’t the same. We are like a married couple, I feel so comfortable around him. We’ve been close for years and I really believe he will always be there for me but I need more. My next relationship I don’t want to be the person that has to motivate and push a man to do better and be better. M won’t struggle, I have no concerns there. But will he be 100% straight? That I am not so sure about. To be inside for £750,000 worth of fraud I highly doubt he’s going to settle for minimum wage when he’s home. I am sure anyone reading this would be like WTF!!! … but he’s not a nasty, greedy person.. well on face value. He’s fun, kind, supportive and interested in me. I mean genuinely interested about how my day went, what I did at work etc etc. That stuff I miss discussing with someone. He would never ever abuse me or hit me, however that isn’t the credentials of my future husband. There are millions of men that wouldn’t ever be violent or abusive, ones not in jail! So after sensing lack of compatibility I left his the next morning and barely even said goodbye. I made up some shit that I didn’t hear him say ‘wait’ but since that day I haven’t heard from him. I sent my ‘closure’ message because that’s what girls do right and I NEED to stick to that. Asshole for not replying anyway … and when he does … well I’ll deal with that then. Pretty sure I will, this isn’t THAT out of character.
Anyway, man number 2, he had the name chicken boy originally so I’ll go with that for the purposes of this blog. To be honest he may need his own post, I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before. In summary, matched on tinder January 2017 which was obviously a very low point for me. I didn’t reply and randomly months later would and then it continued. In July 2018 I thought ‘fuck it’ and had him over, mostly as a ‘big fuck you to my ex’! I last saw him weekend before Xmas, one of the reasons I was distant with M was because chicken boy seemed to be a bit keener again. Juggling 2 men is hard work.. don’t have the emotional capacity for that lol. However he is not giving me what I want and deserve. When we’re together, it feels right (mostly) but in between which has in the past been weeks on end it’s a pointless booty call. Nothing more! I go through stages of 8 missed calls at silly o’clock in the morning to spending 2 Sunday’s in a row with him. He’s inconsistent and at 26 years old I know he won’t be ready anytime soon. He comments that he wants me forever, he notes that if it wasn’t for him we wouldn’t communicate, but can still go weeks not checking in!
2020 word is consistency!
I want consistency and deserve consistency.
So today saw me go on my first date/internet dating meet since him. Before then was M. So I have really taken a back seat since my POF hey days! Let’s just say … it was a no from me. BUT, that doesn’t matter right. I did it, that’s the important thing.
Not only did this guy lie about his height, no way is he 6ft… he was wayyy more forward than I wanted right now. Within 20 minutes he was questioning whether I’d see him again, made some sexual jokes and then made me promise at the end of the date I would see him again. He certainly didn’t want that to be the end of the date, I think he was more thinking he’d be saying goodbye the next morning! Now I’m no prude but a) I needed to be back for sitter and b) man needs to be a hell of a lot taller and sexier than him to get me on first night. Oh well as I said, I did it… I can do it again. Here’s to 2020 🍻
I wonder who will be my next date …. hmmmm
Xxx
Behind These Bluest Eyes 
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