How am I going to get through these times I ask myself. I go from feeling like ‘everything is going to be ok, it’s an adventure, it’s an experience.. it’s just different and we can adapt’ … to thinking .. how will I cope? I have no normality. I had been feeling very low coming into March anyway. I had lost some direction, felt unsettled, unsure.. felt like I just wanted to sleep through March. Never ever did I expect that something like the coronavirus would change our worlds as we knew them dramatically over the course of a week.
I cast my mind back to the beginning of the year and hearing the news of it around China, it didn’t worry me. The virus it self still does not. I obviously would not want my grandparents to get it but someone like me could fight it. It has now spiraled into something I never ever imagined, I think I am not alone there. I still feel very uneasy about it, feel like there is something we are not being told. Something doesn’t sit right with me. BUT I have told myself there is absolutely no point trying to understand it.. look at conspiracy’s and hear viewpoints because well I cannot change it. It is unlikely I will understand it and that is something I learnt when living with an abusive man. It is just wasted energy… I will never understand so I have to just face the challenge and do what I can to survive these times.
On Thursday 12th March the FA and EFL released a statement to say all games were going ahead as normal, a few hours later it was released that Arteta the Arsenal Manager had tested positive for coronavirus and I knew then this was a game changer. Football cancelled. My weekends are planned around football, watching it, doing some bets, whatsapp messages with my football pals and that weekend I felt empty. Also knowing I would not be going to the game (which should be today).
I have been working from home since Tuesday as last Monday it was announced by Boris Johnson that we should work from home where we can. This was tough. I found Monday the toughest, the toughest day since the announcement that all football would be postponed until at least April (this has been since extended). There were tears on this day, knowing the schools would soon be closed, my mind spiraled. Thinking about those children who are vulnerable, the ones who see school as their safety. Those women who are now having to stay at home, being mentally abused and they have no escape.. no chance to mask their life with normality. I could not imagine getting through what I did without my job. Being on maternity leave was bad enough but at least I still had the school runs to walk (I walked a lot) and friends to see and family. It was my job that saved me, I went to work daily hiding what was going on and it helped. Helped so much. It is inevitable domestic abuse will rise and that is scary. Yesterday my local police force released a statement to say just that, they are preparing for it… similar reports increased in China when in lockdown so they are prepared. I drove to work on Monday totally anxious of what all this turmoil would do, again not because of the virus it self but the catastrophic effects it would have on the economy. All the car garages empty was my vision, shops boarded up. Tuesday I nipped to Lidl at lunchtime and again I welled up, the weekend before in Tesco and seeing the empty shelves didn’t hit me like it did in Lidl. It is sad, scary and feels so surreal, like I am in a nightmare. Never will I take just being able to go to the supermarket and get what I want for granted again.
On Wednesday it was announced that all schools would be closed until further notice, nursery too. We knew it was coming, we knew that it needed to be done at the right time but it still came as a shock. My life as I know it will change massively for the forseeable.
Last night my niece from my eldest daughters side had a little sleepover for her birthday and I shared a few beers and pizza with my sister in law. I woke up thinking that it is sad that that cannot continue. We will go for walks but no more sleepovers for my daughter and her cousins… I think that is sensible right? I may change my mind. Collectively me and my friend next Tuesday have decided we cannot see each other and work from home together. We need to follow the guidance and do this properly for it to work, it is in our hands.
Anyway, day 1 of social distancing and to be honest apart from the fact I should be on my way to Leeds to watch Leeds United v Luton Town I don’t usually do much weekends. I usually get an early morning call from a ‘friend’ who has been a ‘friend’ since July 2018 and with clubs closed that won’t be happening. Sometimes he comes over on a Sunday and I need to have a discussion with him about that if that is to continue. I have also been growing close to a man I met on Tinder, I cancelled our first date as was full of a cold (it was a runny nose) and at that time the Government had not said it was a symptom and we have agreed to go to Mcdonalds drive thru (as the only thing open) on Monday for a first date. Again… not sure.. feel a bit strange about seeing anyone. Tomorrow is mothers day… I am 100% seeing my family.
Today I have ordered scrap books for my daughter and my blood niece (as she will be with me whilst my sister works) and I am ready for the challenge of homeschooling. I hope I can still work as much as I can but it is going to be very very different. Yesterday I bought many books for my 3 year old and lots of arts and crafts for them to all do together. The plan for the scrapbooks is for the older two to have something to do and record their experiences, a diary… this will go down in history. So I should do it too. I will have to change the way I shop, I rarely have food in.. I buy as I need and this will be a huge change for me. I can no longer go to the gym and I am concerned about my fitness levels, mental health and self esteem BUT I must just adapt. Bring it on! xx
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