Soft Lockdown

Yesterday was Monday and the first day of ‘home schooling’, it went ok. I got quite a bit of work done but it was stressful at times. Somehow my garden looks like a tip (due to the kids emptying the shed) and I had to lay down some rules. I had my niece as planned and my sister came to pick her up, we went on a longish walk to the park which was empty. Everyday there has been a live at around 5pm, and it was announced that this was delayed to 8:30pm because the prime minister wanted to address the nation. We knew it was going to be serious. Checking the news has become so addictive, my sister even turned on notifications for the sky news app but still felt the need to check for updates, it has taken over our lives.

Facebook on Monday was full of everyone getting on their soap box about how busy parks are and seaside resorts etc etc were on Sunday. As I have said before, I am not sure the advice has always been that clear, and of course it is only advice. People were told to get out, ‘practice social distancing’.. and that is what people were doing. As I said, I saw my mum, because well BoJo said that was ok back end of last week but on Sunday morning again we are being socially policed by Facebook…. literally!

This was always going to happen, despite the meme (which is funny) but I don’t actually believe this is because of Sunday and parks being ‘full’. This would always have happened…

When Boris made his announcement I had chills. The new guy I have being speaking to was going to come over but we waited for that announcement, and we both felt that it was wrong to do so. How mad! The whole thing is just so surreal, like beyond anything ever imaginable. This is like a bad bad fucked up movie, or a real shit game of The Sims and whoever is controlling us is just wanting to drive everyone simply mental. I was in tears, chatting on WhatsApp with my other two single friends and we all felt numb. I just wished I had another adult living with me in my house, if you are in a relationship or married then you cannot simply understand how this feels. It is depressing.

He was very stern, do not leave your home only for food (essentials), once a day for exercise (like prison), to and from work if you absolutely cannot work from home, making out key workers only and he closed all non essential shops and libraries etc etc. I felt trapped, my anxiety went through the roof. The way I can explain it is like back 2016/2017 when I was stuck in that flat, being mentally abused by a man sometimes leaving with my keys so I could not leave. Feeling so trapped, I could not breathe, no idea when this feeling would end. We have been told 3 weeks, I felt optimistic but now I am being realistic. It will be longer than 3 weeks. Other countries have had full lockdown and it has not stopped the spread, it hasn’t worked.. Italy today 743 deaths, France 240 deaths and Spain 497 deaths. Today we had 87 and still behind Italy by 200 or so when comparing their first death to ours BUT it will increase… it will.

I woke up this morning in tears again. Hating it, hating it so much. How the fuck is this happening? My niece can no longer come here, I can no longer see my sister, my mum, or any other adult that I am close to. That hurts, it cuts deep. I have become so used to being alone, but at least I had my work colleagues and networking buddies. It doesn’t make sense that I can go to a busy supermarket but unable to go to my mum’s for a bloody jacket potato. I went for a walk this morning with my girls and got some coffee from the shop. Despite my boss hearing my tears and saying not to worry about work today I still cracked on and got stuff done. I felt better. I didn’t listen to the news all day and then put on a film in the evening. I then face-timed a friend and had some laughs.. I then made the mistake of putting on the news.

I didn’t cry, I just faced facts… this is not going away anytime soon. Last night when I felt the rules were very strict I was hopeful that 3 weeks would be long enough to turn it around. Then when realising how soft this lockdown is on the country it’s not going to do enough, people are still going to work, whether essential or not. Children are going between two family homes, boyfriends and girlfriends are 100% still going between houses in MOST cases, lets not be deluded here. The question was asked to one of the ministers and she joked and said you either stay apart or test your relationship and stay in one home. Sure, who ever is staying away from their own home will go back to collect things.. arguments will happen and they will storm home, it will happen although what does it matter if they both live alone anyway to be honest? Then there was the other concern this evening on the news, the rise in domestic and child abuse cases… just brilliant, exactly what I have been concerned about.

None of this is law, yet, but it is fascinating how much control the government really do have on the people. Yes in Piers Morgan’s rant he makes some valid points that the people are not being asked a lot but you know what it is. It is very different to anything anyone has ever experienced in this lifetime. I was genuinely very concerned about my mental health this morning, I felt like I would need a doctor or some meds to control the tightness in my chest, the anxiety. I still feel drained this evening in all honesty. This month of March has been a complete blur, how are we the 24th already? They predict we will have our peak in May, a temporary hospital being built in preparation.. like wtf.. they are getting ready. The concerns are not necessarily the virus it self it is the fear of having too many sick people at once.. the NHS being inundated and they cannot cope. People dying because of this.. that is the worry.

On Sunday my ‘friend’ called me, his number had been deleted and I wasn’t sure who it was. I told him he lacks emotional intelligence and had no idea why he was even calling. He told me he wanted to sort this out, that he does care, he didn’t want to accept that we would remain friends who just say hi on the street as he considers me a real friend. The man is mental. I don’t trust, I go from thinking well he must have been thinking about me to call me randomly like that, to thinking he has other motives. Whatever… not like I can see him anyway!

I was also concerned about my ipad as I put it in for repair on Saturday after it’s had a crack in it since September.. Currys told me that if they were told to close (as I asked knowing it would happen) then it would be posted to me. I would like my ipad for my kindle, I have a lot of time lol and I was regretting taking it in fear now that it be stuck with them for weeks on end. Currys answered and told me it was still getting fixed, this eased my anxiety somewhat but it still made me wonder how the hell is this a lockdown?? I ordered a toddler chair of amazon too.. it literally could be so much worse and I am expecting it to go that way. Society and media policing again, the pressure this puts on to our Government. Although they said this afternoon, ‘we still want businesses to trade.’ Whatever is going, whatever the plan… it all feels very very strange.