100 days left of 2020…

…. and what a load of shite it has been.

I should have got back from Ibiza this morning, I wouldn’t be feeling this overweight or this miserable about what the near future holds. Instead we are heading into the autumn season which is usually one of my favourite being unable to party like I know and having to wear bloody masks everywhere.

Once again I probably should have kept this blog up, and despite there being a ‘lockdown’ quite a lot has happened in my life, mostly on the love life front but also to record my thoughts and feelings in this insane crazy time.

I am still very much on the ‘this is a complete overreaction’ camp which to many means I am selfish and a ‘conspiracy theorist’ but to me it just means I am not being fed the bullshit coming from the mainstream media.

Boris Johnson has this week suggested these restrictions are for a further 6 months, when this week more people are dying from flu and suicide then this supposedly deadly disease which has a low mortality rate. We are no longer allowed to be in groups of more than 6 again (although not really sure when that rule changed I kind of just did it). We also need to wear masks in bloody pubs , until we sit down of course and those pubs are now closing at 10pm. Make it make sense!!

Anyway 100 days left of 2020 and I really need to make the most of it. We do not get this time again, hiding in our homes is quite frankly a crock of shit and I am not playing anymore. I have made a promise to myself to blog each day. Track my mood, list my daily glads, try and use this time to become a better version of me.

I am seeing someone, I feel confused about my true feelings for him. On one hand I really feel like I could love this man, and on the other I am thinking I am crazy and haven’t learnt a single thing about respecting myself and knowing my worth. It is is nigh on impossible to get down everything that has happened as we did match on tinder early March time. Due to the lockdown we didn’t actually meet until June and since then I have felt a rollarcoaster of emotions. One thing is for sure, I do seem to put my happiness in his control. I told myself again last night I must let go of expectations and anticipation, I need to focus on myself and my needs more than him and the relationship we have. By focusing on myself I will be in a much stronger position to really understand how I feel. Over a week ago he actually ended it, no point to go over it now but I was literally so devastated. All the next day I was so broken hearted. I couldn’t eat, I blamed myself, I wished I could have rewound time. Despite him saying we could remain friends (afterall we spoke so much during lockdown without anything sexual) I was so certain he would distance himself so much and that ached my heart. I knew I would painfully miss him. That evening he text me and then we slipped back into our ping pong messaging and conversations again. Before I knew it, he suggested seeing me a couple of days later and I felt angry, how has he not even apoligised and realised the heart pain I went through was all for nothing. At least I hadn’t lost him right?

I get the keys to my new house tomorrow. After 2 years of being here I am actually moving again, it feels stressful and I am so anxious about it but I am sure it will all work out just fine.

Daily glads:

I hit 10k at work (insane number), I had mcdonalds (diet fail), we got negative coronavirus test results, and Mr C and I continue our fantasy football banter ❤