… and this one hurts. Really hurts.
It has been a week since I have spoken to him and it wasn’t a nice phone call. He had finally answered the phone to me after over 24 hours of silence after an exchange of voicenotes that prompted me to go a little OTT.
He was so cold, he acted like I was the most evil person in the world, called me malicious and told me I had pushed him away. I was devastated. As women do, I shared the exchange with a number of people, not one person told me my voice note warranted his paddy, or that it was malicious, that in fact it was quite funny. However his voice note was rude, condescending and obnoxious. A very good friend who actually understands human behaviour very well, said any rational personal would hear my response and instantly think oh whoops I have upset her and want to apoligise. Not him though. He’s so selfish.
It was over a typo, yep you read it write, a bloody typo. A typo that I had made in an old social media post back in 2017. He called me an idiot, that preaches but can’t even speak English and that I fucked up. I made it clear that I didn’t fuck up, and in fact I am brilliant and if he can’t see that he can die alone with his grammar book. OBVIOUSLY I did not wish him dead, everyone dies one day, my response was a knee jerk reaction basically saying keep pushing me and he will die alone WHEN HE’S OLD without me or anyone for that matter for being such an arrogant prick. He seemed pretty sure on the phone that I had pushed him away, no one had ever talked to him like that in his life (yet his ex keyed his car a few weeks back) and that I am horrible.
I sat on in for a further 24 hours after the phone call and after apoligising again via text and basically taking all the blame. Afterall he told me ‘the problem with you is you take everything to heart.’ I actually believed he was right, that that is a problem. Then I realised, after more silence from him. How the fuck is he not taking any responsibility, he goaded me, he pushed me, he knows I take things to heart but felt the need to criticise me anyway. This is gaslighting “you’re too sensitive, you’re crazy, you’re horrible” because of circumstances HE created. Not to mention my frustration at the fact he was home alone watching netflix and he didn’t seem that bothered about seeing me. We had plans for the following day but after 8 months I really want that love where you can’t stay away from each other. The messages and facetime before this incident was about him ‘banning me from sex’, satire maybe but I am not so sure with him. Now when I sit here and think about soooo many conversations, he often left me thinking WTAF! Why should love be hard? Well it shouldn’t.
Last Wednesday morning I sent an essay message and blocked him. I made it clear that actually no he pushed ME away. I would never have reacted like that if he made me feel secure, wanted or desired. I have to face reality here, after 8 months, I had had enough. I remained patient for him due to how often he was having his kids over the school holidays due to being furloughed. There were a handful of times in the previous months I told him how he was making me feel and only the first time did he actually accept responsibility and understand where I was coming from. Other times when I expressed my dissatisfaction he would say ‘well it seems like you have made your mind up’ , I often put this down to having his walls up, self sabotage and coming from a place of pity but perhaps it was just his way of manipulating.
4 weeks prior to the block we had a talk on the Thursday evening, from one minute making out he only wanted to see me so we could ‘talk’ to then requesting that we didn’t talk and only chilled, we ended up having the talk anyway. He seemed genuine, nervous, a little emotional and muttered things about how he may regret what he says in the morning. He told me he enjoyed what we have, but due to his life being a mess he cannot give me what I want, need or deserve right now. I cried a lot, I assumed it was over but he had this aura about him that made me think, no it’s ok I can take my time with this. Weekend came and we were messaging, we facetimed saturday night when I was drunk and he messaged me first thing in the morning. In my needy hungover state I asked him what he was up to, he said nothing you.. I replied and then silence for over 4 hours. During that 4 hours I learnt he was on tinder.. I initially tried to call him but no answer.. I then text him but deleted the messages. When he called me back I basically just said I can’t wait around for you if you’re on tinder, he flipped, he manipulated the situation again and said ‘well you’ve clearly called to have a go at me and end it so it’s done.’ I was in bits, he made me believe he was actually on the way to see me because he had been thinking about me. I don’t think I believe him now. He told me I should trust him, that I know that we’re exclusive and he even told me on Thursday he still had the app. Why the fuck did I accept that?? Yes he did tell me but 36 hours later I decided that it isn’t OK… I AM ALLOWED TO VOICE MY OPINION! On the Monday I couldn’t eat, I hated myself, I blamed myself. Our previous evening conversation was so nice and I just didn’t understand what went so wrong.
Within a week he was back in my bed. My tears were over nothing. I didn’t text him all day and it was him to make the first move, then out of no where he was ringing me and texting like nothing had happened again. When I saw him I wasn’t allowed to bring it up, when I tried he said ‘I knew I shouldn’t have come’ so I just changed the subject. Knowing that should anything like this happen again I needed to get out. After then, that night was so fun, he even mentioned about me meeting his family one day. Maybe he was just drunk, I don’t know. Between then and now, it was good, we had our banter, we spoke daily, all day. He always text me good morning and I felt like maybe tindergate had bucked up his ideas. He told me even before I saw him again that he wasn’t actually on it it was just notifications he clicked on. BUT why even have it… why not just say ‘I will delete it’ he shouldn’t want to lose me after he was in the wrong. NOT the other way round.
Saturday night I had planned to say something about this on Monday when we were due to meet. I know he had his daughter but I needed more from him. I moved house 3 weeks ago and it wasn’t until after the event he implied he would have helped me. He had then text me quite late and told me if I was still awake he was going to come over. He was obviously childfree why not tell me before hand! Not only did he often have his 2 children but also the children of his exes, baring in mind 1 ex keyed his car and they can only communicate via email WHY THE FUCK IS HE HAVING HER CHILD THAT’S NOT EVEN HIS. At the time I put it down to him being a decent human, but it doesn’t make sense. It really doesn’t.
There are far too many incidents from the past 8 months that were screaming at me. Red flags galore. I am so cross I ignored them. So cross I saw the good in him. I put my own wants, needs and happiness aside for him. He ensured me he wanted me, he even made a twitter to get in contact with me when his phone broke, he made me believe we was going somewhere but now I wonder whether it was all just an act. But why? I struggle with this, just not understanding. I feel like I’ve been involved in an emotional warfare where perhaps if I had done this or that we would be all okay now. I didn’t even really like him at the beginning, I was the asshole who pushed him away abit.. this was when he showed me vulnerability. Told me he wanted to see me. Saw me 4 times within like 8 days and then school holidays came and bam one time we went 3 weeks! Why did he change? Was it me? I feel like it was me, perhaps he just realised I wasn’t his forever. When I told him that on the phone the last time we spoke he said that is wasn’t true….. but his actions told me it was.
All that being said I miss him SO much. We were each others sound board (his words), we gave each other running commentaries of our days, sent pictures of our food, had our own fantasy football league going and he felt like my best friend. Maybe I was just too desperate to have him as a boyfriend and ignored out all the bits that I actually deserved. I was falling in love with him and that is what sucks. I told him this on the phone and he said ‘how convenient’, he didn’t believe me.
If he is prepared to cut me off after such a stupid argument after everything I have done (which 95% of fucking women would never have put up with) then he just isn’t worth this heartache. If I hadn’t had blocked him I am certain he would have come back at some point, (unless he is a complete lettuce like one of my male mates said) no one could have stayed mad at my voice-note for too long. It wasn’t even bad, he was just sulking, BUT I needed to make sure he doesn’t come back and this all happen again! I needed to be strong. I also don’t regret my voice-note, I was being me, I was hurting, and there is no point dwelling because if it wasn’t that it would have been something else. I must remember that.
My fantasy football team beat his, 96 points to 85. It pains me to not gloat about that lol. I also have 50 matches on tinder in 2 days, it hurts to think of him meeting someone new. Maybe giving her everything that I wanted, but I think that’s unlikely, he’s fucking hard work and I believe he has a lot of work he needs to do on himself.
What’s next?? I’m going to have fun, lockdown brought so many challenges and probably one of the main reasons I kept him by me for so long. If lockdown hadn’t have happened I would have gone on holidays, festivals, night outs and not have been so desperate and needy. Maybe if lockdown hadn’t have happened we wouldn’t be where we are now, and it wouldn’t have ended in a block but I still wouldn’t have liked how he spoke to me sometimes or didn’t respect me enough to reply (when he was in a “funk”). It perhaps would have just fizzled out rather that it be so brutal though, but it is what it is.
Oh well here’s to finding someone who deserves me 🙂
Behind These Bluest Eyes 
Leave a Reply