Tag: prisonvisit

Posted in Singlemum

What is a Bullet Journal?

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I first was told about this concept I took one look at it and thought WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. However that was when the link just took me to pages and pages of codes and words that I didn’t quite understand!

That was until I found Pinterest. Wow! The idea of all those pretty colours and clear (almmost) organisation got me hooked.

I’ve had a paper diary for as long as I can remember. If I don’t write things down I will forget. I have a day to page one now for work, which is super shiny and fabulous and from paperchase (of course).I’ve always got a notepad on the go too. I love stationary! I am very very visual and when I’ve tried to be organised in the past or got a holiday countdown and want to track my fitness. I get addicted to draw graphs and plans. My notebooks end up being just a big mess of scribbles and I lose the pages I wish to keep for ‘blog ideas’ or ‘quotes I like’ or ‘ideas for my book.’ The ideas for my book is a biggy, I often get hit with triggers regarding the abuse I have been a victim too and its like a light goes in my head and I am like ‘oh yeh.’

So for me the bullet journal idea is fab!

I could use it for work but to be honest for what I do I need a proper diary so that is staying, plus it was expensive and a Christmas present. Some people use it for work and personal but I’m sticking to just personal.

I even FaceTimed my equally enthused bullet journal sister and we spent an hour sorting our first pages out together. It was comforting and fun.

I decided I needed to go straight in and start, over thinking it would put me off another week (as it did my sister) and so be it if I go wrong. It adds character right! Like how I got all confused and put that November had 31 days so now December is all wrong, but hey ho.

I bought a notebook that has dots and page numbers already noted. It has an index page too. The dots are great for drawing lines.

It is lacking colour at the moment but I want some colouring pencils to help with that.

The beauty is it doesn’t matter if there’s no order because it’s meant to be random. It’s meant to be unique. I’m excited to use it more and really get in control of my life.

I’m sure I’ll add to it and change it as well which is fine. I plan to be super organised now and waste less time. I WASTE FAR TOO MUCH!

It’s going to help with my book writing, my studying and my half marathon training. I also plan to get more bloody sleep and eat much much better.

2018 Goals – TO BE THE BEST VERSION OF ME

Watch this space. Anyone got any bullet journal blogs?

Would love to read xx

Posted in Uncategorized

I’ve had my christmas present

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s Christmas Eve, I saw my gorgeous man earlier, the only present I need and I am more in love than I ever thought possible. I wish he was here now, I wish I could feel his warmth and his kisses and hear his laugh in my ear. I so very much long for just one evening with him. Of course I miss the sex but I miss his presence more. We had such a lovely visit, despite the delay due to an ‘issue’ on the wing… yeah right, the rude comment made by a ‘screw’ and the end which kept me locked in for 25 minutes. Putting all that aside it was lovely, and I count myself lucky I have met my soul mate and nothing could ever break us now. Would we be this strong if this hadn’t of happened?! No I don’t think so. In fact I know so. This has shown us both how in love with are. Its so real.

This evening I crashed a little, PVB kicked in. Post Visit Blues can last weeks, believe me, and I am hoping this is not the case this time round. I wished he was at my parents house with me earlier, I wish he was going to be with me tomorrow too. This isn’t a normal christmas in a relationship but then whats to say is normal? I had my sister earlier crying because her boyfriend had gone to the pub and he makes her miserable, one of my best friends texting me saying she had seen pictures on her partners phone of his ex wife and son, then two of my other good friends are in really crappy relationships and not seeing their ‘men’ over christmas at all! Looking at all these scenerios I know what I would rather, yes we may be apart now but it will not be forever. It’s just one christmas too afterall, this time next year his tag will be off and he’ll be here with me now probably getting drunk over a bottle of rum.  OMG I cannot wait. I will spend the rest of my life with this man, we spoke of marriage, babies, the future. I would never have been so sure about that if it wasn’t for this prison sentence.

It is the best thing that could have happened to us.

Posted in prison

Why has he not called?

Posted on by KerryLouise

The title of the post would have been for very different reasons this time last year. This year I’m wondering what the hell has happened since Friday when my inmate would have got his phone credit, not a peep out of him. Not seeing him is one thing, but not having a phone call makes it even harder. Last week we spoke every day, the lack of contact this weekend has been painful and has made it all the more real once again. I can only assume that now with it being Monday afternoon is that he did not order his phone credit correctly, or the screws inside have messed up. I do so hope he hasn’t just been stupid and used all the phone credit on someone not worthy like his father or brother and there has been me suffering. Well I guess I wont know until a letter comes through or until Friday when credit gets applied again. Its the not knowing that makes it unbearable. I found a letter among all my bills I fail to open this morning, it must have came through my door the end of last week. It helped me this morning, fate wanted me to find it today.

This weekend had left me feeling angry again. I’m paying for his mistakes. Yes it’s only a year, but it’s a year I am missing out on too. Memories being made, moments being shared, the intimacy I am missing out on. I love my visits don’t get me wrong. Looking into his eyes and hearing him tell me how beautiful I am looking, getting excited about the time we finally get to be together properly and the endless amounts of love he puts into his letters. BUT there are days that I just cannot deal with it, it isn’t a normal life to lead.

My male friend is on the dating scene, it reminds me of how life was before. He has just met a girl after a week of good talking, he had those high hopes, he met her yesterday and he left feeling positive. Today she has ignored his texts meanwhile whilst he was meeting her he had another girl who was in to him hanging on to his messages and probably feeling the ‘why hasn’t he called me’ syndrome. It is just one viscous circle. I’m now sat here on a monday evening, no daughter and the loneliness does echo, that pain is prominent, a comment made to me earlier regarding a neighbour and ‘oh we havent seen him for a while’ is playing heavily on my mind. However is it any different to the days I was seeing multiple different men, some acting more interested than others, some appearing every so often then disappearing. Still feeling very very low because I was not wanted properly by any of them. Not forgetting the time with the man I fell stupidly in love with and knowing I had completely lost him and was losing him when the evenings went by with no phone call and an unreplied text. He was the biggest game player of all. Then this time last year I had just gone through an abortion after another failed relationship with a man who never even had the decency to ask if I was ok. We may be apart but he loves me “as long as I’m alive I will never let you go” he writes ..and that makes up for all this sadness.

I would rather be in love and have a man in jail then be a victim of the dating roundabout.

Posted in Uncategorized

Focus on yourself… because who else will?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I haven’t wrote for a while. I need too. He’s now been gone 82 days, 268 left before tag IF he is a good boy. IF being the big question on my mind since Sunday anyway. Had an amazing time in Ibiza, which I must admit seems like ages ago now and has gone quick but more recently again it feels so heavy. Something I struggle to carry around. I am still at university which is going well, very demanding hence the lack of posts but well and I have also got a new car. He has since moved 3 times, which caused more stress but now he seems to be settled in this one place. Week ago last Saturday I went to visit him and I left feeling like I miss him more than ever, we are so in love. If your love is real and you are put in a situation similar to this then the love just grows .. daily. It grows daily. The urge for each other, the desire to just have him touch me, the need to hear his voice and the anger at what has happened. Strong emotions can only make stronger feelings right? Even though I knew I was seeing him the following weekend I still felt this dull ache in my heart. In fact it goes deeper than that. Something just doesn’t feel right. I have it now. I have it all the time. It didn’t help last week that I still had had no phone call in nearly 3 weeks due to the money not reaching his canteen quick enough. I had received 2 letters though however instead of making me feel warm and happy they made me feel angry and lost. Sometimes I don’t think it is so much the content of the letter but the state of mind that they are read in. He called me Friday , I also got a letter Friday which did make me feel better and I saw him on Sunday. Well that visit left me feeling anxious, angry and hurt, needed just 15 minutes more with him. It didn’t end well. We didn’t kiss so much as we had done before and I certainly did not feel as in love as I had the previous week. I now fear so much, if he jeopardizes ANYTHING by being stupid in there and therefore does anything to stop them giving him tag I will leave him. I will. I cannot mother him through this anymore, he talks stupid, surely he isn’t really that thick right?? I sent him an email Sunday night, I couldn’t be direct in fear the screws would read it then it would be closed visits and tighter security but I needed to somehow get through to him that even selling a bit of burn on inside is STILL a criminal offence and WILL NOT be seen lightly by probation. I did ask him in the email to call me earlier than planned and he hasn’t , our original agreement was a call today and so if he doesn’t call today I know something is up. I am going to go and see him again on Saturday, I decided this yesterday. I cannot bear to sit on this over another week and its my birthday a week today. In my eyes if he gets involved with any fuckery inside there that is being disloyal. Disloyal to me and it is no different to me doing something out here that could have detriment effect on our relationship. This boy needs to be told, and it doesn’t scare me to potentially be single again. Does not scare me at all.