… Time. You never get it back! 

I cannot believe how quickly time is going to be fair, I also can’t believe how different I feel now compared to the last post. It just highlights once again how much this journey is a mad roller coaster.

Although I have ate junk food and I haven’t managed 100 days (I did 6 then Easter Sunday happened) I have been monitoring my calorie intake and training well. I have had various comments this week about how I am ‘looking well’ .. I am feeling better but I know I need to up the game. To be honest though studying and completely depriving myself from sugar AND sex is far too fucking hard. I figured I have 4 weeks after exams until Ibiza and there we can go in strong and carb and sugar deplete.

I still haven’t been to see my man , 5 weeks on Sunday or is it 6?! I got a letter today, it reads the same as the previous letters and to be honest it’s getting tiring. So so tiring, and draining. I am sick of reading these words, hearing him tell me these words …. I just need him here now to prove it. Because boy he has a lot to prove. I went out on Easter Sunday, had an awesome night with my girl but it ended with boys. Hands up! What can I say. They were not from round here and I stopped it before it really started but I still feel like I ‘cheated’, I woke up with regret that I even considered seeing him but then the regret passed. I felt fine. The sun was shining, I felt happy, content, pissed off with myself but what is done is done. I also gave my number out to a local boy who I have arranged to see tomorrow. It’s wrong , I know it is but I am fucking lonely here. It’s Friday night, I will spend the evening studying. Yes I will! Then tomorrow I am back at work and could do with some company, is it so bad ?! My fellow prison wife confided in me how she has been seeing someone else for the past 9 weeks!! Whatttt?! To be honest I don’t blame her, if I didn’t have uni to keep my focus I can honestly say I wouldn’t have been so loyal. I should book to see him, but the time it takes and the money it costs makes it not appealing in the absolute slightest. He has hardly commented about not seeing me, in fact he thinks time is going quick too. I dunno, I want us to work. I do. I do believe the fact that no man will ever love me like he does but what will happen in a years time when we are in each other’s pockets. I was looking yesterday at houses for us both and I think that should be our first aim. Start a fresh give our relationship a proper chance.

I need some food, and then I’ll get my books out, should do some tidying up too. Plus I didn’t manage my run this morning as there was so much traffic I ran out of time. I swear not enough hours in the day!!

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