Positive mind..

I feel much happier today, far more positive regarding uni. Exams are so close and yesterday I was questioning whether it’s actually something I am even capable of. Of course it is! What a silly thought!!

Well my weekend… Hmmm… Well!! I worked all day Saturday then did a hostessing shift early evening. That ended and I came home and felt ridiculously lonely. I assumed the guy I had arranged to see wasn’t coming over as I had made it pretty clear I wouldn’t be having sex with him. I had only eaten a subway all day and the idea of any real food just depressed me. How is this life?! Saturday night, no one to talk too, no one to cuddle or even just have a laugh with. I cried at my local shop when I picked up a ‘mug shot’ for tea with the realisation how fucking on my own I am! Still 8 months later and I am not used to it. Is it something you EVER get used too?! I perked up slightly when he text and I told him to come over. We got on well, we sat close on the sofa and there was definite chemistry. He is incredibly attractive but my mind just kept saying ‘he’s not your man.’ I had already came to the conclusion that no matter what happened it just would not end well, one day it would bite me in the arse or leave us both in a situation when my love was to finally came home. Doorman had previously made it clear that he’s ok with being a side piece (thought only men had those) and in fact had done it before with another girl who’se man was locked up! No matter what would happen, I told myself ‘Do not have sex with this man!’ I was strong, gold medal needed I think and he left… pretty awkwardly left I must add but I know I made the right decision. I am not sure what I was thinking with even agreeing to see him, I guess I thought someone to chill with for a bit and if something ended up happening then so be it but no way would I do it on our first meet!! 

Anyway it’s over before it even started. He text the next day and made it pretty clear that that was what he thought we were gonna be ‘a booty call’ and if I wanted to ‘build on last night’ to let him know. I know I still wouldn’t want sex with him even on a second meet ESPECIALLY after his reaction so I stood back. I made it clear that sex was a big deal to me but yet I do appreciate that really he’s only protecting himself. He pointed out that chilling and it being about MORE than just sex is a situation that gets people more attached and he’d eventually be the one who gets mugged off. Fair enough, fair point and so we’ll just say goodbye now. 

Today I am missing my man more than ever. I need to kiss him!! I’ve kissed 2 men since I’ve last kissed him and I know it’s wrong but can anyone blame me?! They weren’t him though, argh why is he not just here!!!?? Yesterday I decided I couldn’t wait till Sunday and I have got in to see him on Thursday. Cannot wait!! I haven’t even heard his voice in 12 days! He may be changing his mind about me?! Who knows! 

I swear he best get tag in August. I won’t go till December not having sex!! Not at all!!!! 

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