23 Weeks pregnant…

After last Friday’s post it got worse. He did answer about 2am and then said he was sorry and on his way to me RIGHT NOW! Was he? Nope!! 102 missed calls later and at 6am he finally rang me and turned up at my door. I had absolutely no sleep and I just was fed the same old bullshit. Well no actually, this was a new one. He had apparently left his phone in his mates car and because he went to the club he had to go to the club but he wasnt allowed in so waited outside. Yeh ALRIGHT THEN MATE! Alright!! Charlie Sloth is at the club you cant stay away from each weekend and you “waited outside”!! Saturday morning wasn’t a nice one, I still fear he will end up back in prison and the lies and anxiety he leaves me with is just not doing me any good!

Saturday morning I behaved strong. He was the weaker one and again I heard the same old promises and lies I always here. “This is the last time”, “Wasn’t my fault”, and “I’m so sorry”… I was the stronger one until I pushed it too far. Admitted to him I tried to find the man I was seeing when he was away, because yes there was someone else and also told him I understood why he enjoyed mind games with girls because I let him believe I would be there for him. He stormed away, took what I had said very badly and vowed that was it and he would only be there for his daughter.

Something in side me breaks apart, my chest goes tight and I cannot bare even the ‘THOUGHT’ of him actually saying that and meaning it, not to mention maybe he would then think he has a green card to go off with another woman! It tears me APART!! He ended up coming back to my car and even came to work with me and slept in the car … we spoke and we cleared the air once more! Felt like we got somewhere as we even spoke about the times he first went away and how it affected me! We Do Time TOO!!!!

Saturday evening he stayed in. No disturbances, no disappearing off to ‘buck his mates for a spliff’ , just about him looking after me and feeding me and sleeping next to me!  He also felt baby move for the first time. I was happy!

It was short lived of course.. sunday afternoon whilst at my parents house he felt that is was ok to go meet a friend to hand him some cannabis. I mean really?! What is his problem? He genuinely doesn’t understand the big deal to it. He is angry with me for not co-operating and taking him and is then even madder at me for telling my sister what he was up to. Something so small could see him back in there, and I am so exhausted from trying to teach him this!! Sunday night wasn’t nice either, he had to go off and do something and he switches so badly and puts it on me that Im the one overreacting!

This week Ive left him to it. With me working, studying and him working nights I honestly feel better and more relaxed him not even being around. We can’t even have a conversation without him saying something untoward and getting my back up. It’s now 20 to 11 on sunday evening, I’m going to pick him up because I cannot bare waiting any longer or risk him getting distracted and be even longer!

I will finish off today’s post tomorrow… it’s all just too much!!