Time to be honest!

Reading my last post is a joke. Obviously we must of had a good day that day.  I’ve been miserable. I really cannot see us lasting for ever. He’s selfish, completely oblivious to the facts before him and is so not supportive. Thing is he knows how to say sorry, he knows how to get me back in my good books and all I can explain it all as is BULLSHIT! I couldn’t possibly spend this evening writing about the last 4-5 months but I darn as hell sure will get this down on paper because I am NOT being made to be the psycho anymore.

He moved out last week, well I say moved out. It was a week last Tuesday and we had been getting on well. He had a new job which was 5pm-2am so it was pretty hard on us both. Him waking me up then I having to wake him up in the morning but we were getting on. Getting on just fine. After many weekends of him just being more interested in getting drunk and town he promised me that every other weekend he would spend with me. The Saturday before was meant to be my Saturday, but oh no what a surprise. In all honesty I had already said I would see my girls, why say no to them when I don’t trust that my own man wouldn’t leave me on my own.

Anyway we agreed, loosely agreed I will admit, but I will still under the impression he would be home at midnight. Was he? NOPE!! Phone off! What a surprise!! Then I finally get a call the next day at 11:40am!! Now seriously what kind of fuckery is that?!? Sadly I am so used to his shit behaviour I managed to sleep ok. I put my buzzer on private and psychologically it helped me thinking maybe he tried to come home, but nope he didn’t even do that! I know he was in town until 3am why wouldn’t he just come home?? Or even use someones phone to tell me what was happening. 21 weeks pregnant and he fucking disappears all night!!! Tell me what woman would put up with that? Oh he’s sorry but ‘it wasnt my fault my battery died’ he felt was a good enough excuse. It wasn’t!! Even on the sunday evening his attitude just stunk, he twists things and manipulates situation where it comes off as my fault.

He once again promised that that would never happen again. It wasn’t fair and he loves me and blah blah fuckedy blah!! Tuesday came and I was under a great deal of pressure with uni. I admit I didn’t need to react the way I did but it is deep down genuinely how I feel. I told him I wish he never came out of prison. I was doing much better at uni without him here and I was a lot happier and less stressed when he was inside. To some extent it was true. Only him as ever made me this person I am today. Uni has suffered! I’m not dealing well with pregnancy and I am just not myself. To that comment he packed everything. I begged him not to go. Told him just pack a few things and stay a way for a couple of nights but NO he went the full hog. Packed it all! Then had the cheek to tell me it isn’t over and that he just needs to clear his head. Well…. what a fucking coward! He’s said worse to me and what is he going to do every time something doesn’t go to plan .. just walk away? I was devastated !!!

I didnt see him then until sunday as he went to London for a family funeral. I am not ashamed to admit that he tried to call me on friday and I ignored him. He used his sisters phone too and I let him be the one to wonder what I was up to for a change. Sunday came and we had a really good talk. I once again believed his bullshit, how things were going to change and he admitted some things that he was struggling with deep down and I believed that that was the reasoning for his shit behaviour. I told him not to stay at mine Sunday, that then gave him the opportunity to once again go out. He woke me up at 5:30 am! Monday we had a good day together, picked up the pram and then went to my dads. He told me he had to go to his nans for a bit but please ring him to come home. I fell asleep. Turns out he did too.

Wednesday, I got my self all worked up. I miss him! Im 21 weeks pregnant and I feel like a single pregnant mum. He reacts in a way that says, ‘I’m working’ and ‘nothing is ever good enough for you’. How I am weird and its OK to go from Monday until Friday not seeing each other. WTF!!! I am carrying his child. I am doing this on MY OWN!! He came to his senses and Wednesday night at 3am he came home, it is a pain, it did take me 2 hours to get to sleep but it felt ok because I had no reason to be up on Thursday. I was just so happy he was with me. So happy! All this week he promised me that Friday and Sunday was all about me. Well today is Friday and its 1:45am (Saturday morning) .. has it been about me?! NO! We went to my cousins party then he tells me he some things to do. Midnight he went. When will he understand he is playing with fire…. working the streets! I have tried to drill in to him so many times. I am so disgusted that it has come to this again. More fool me for thinking he could change and be a normal person. He can’t. He doesn’t know how to be. He gets my so wound up like my chest goes tight, he just tells me that this is the reason he does not want to be around me. He is seriously insane. SERIOUSLY insane!! At 1am he told me he was coming, and that this is the last weekend he will do this too me (heard it all before) and what a surprise, right now he isn’t answering. I have spent this pregnancy wishing I just wasn’t pregnant far too much. I need to move on from him. He is no good. But how do I do that when I am pregnant and too vulnerable to do this all on my own?!