3am Lasagne

It’s 3:30am and I am wide awake because I feel so angry. This is why I care less, it just makes this bullshit easier to cope with and then as soon as I let my guard down slightly I get fucked over once again!

Dominic totally over-reacted earlier because I didn’t want to facetime, he’s still in London as he has been all week and he goes into self-pity mode which is ‘why do I bother’, ‘you wonder why I’m not nice’ and ‘you just throw it in mans face.’ Like seriously?? Because I didn’t want to facetime???

It then got worse he asked me for his facebook log on and OK maybe I delayed my response on purpose slightly but I was on the school run and I did think ‘no fuck him he can wait.’ The amount of times I’ve had to wait on him it wouldn’t hurt him to wait just a few fucking minutes. The truth is he cannot deal with things that do not go his way. I was called tapped, he told me that I won’t be the one laughing and even said how when his daughter asks why he’s not with mummy he will tell her that its because I don’t do anything for him. When I told him to stop texting me as it was upsetting me too much he just replies with ‘Stress can cause deformity’. It can’t… but even the fact he can say that to me and has said it to me numerous times you have to question what type of person he is. Emotional abuse and yet the only one to ever cause me any stress…. is him!! I don’t think he’s well, what normal rational person would behave like this over facetime and an email address like really?? I then just called him because all this texting was stupid and as normal it was just back and forwards words on who can hurt each other more, even though I must say this time I just took it well as much as I could tolerate.

We were then on the phone for way over an hour, some of it was ok but alot of it was just more stress. Bought up how he doesn’t feel like I want a future with him, how he hasn’t even touched me in 2 weeks (baring in mind he’s been away a week and the week before I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with someone who talks to me so badly). He also said how it’s just boring between us these days and we don’t laugh together anymore. When will he accept responsibility for this??? When will he realise thats words like that do not help the situation and equally take note, I’m fucking pregnant and when his idea of fun is going out and getting wasted that doesn’t leave me much choice but to be ‘boring’. There was some other bullshit but it just goes round in circles and it’s pretty pathetic and in all honesty it just shows me how unstable he is. His need for love and affection is crazy, he says all this one day but the day before he can say the complete opposite. I’ve told him he should speak to a professional as he has been through a bloody lot but seriously I question how much more can I take.

The conversation did end on a plus and he was planning to come back tonight. I called him at 10pm and said ‘I can’t wait to see you’ , sometimes you have to just sweet talk these type of people, I know it keeps him sweet. It was a genuine feeling though. His battery was about to die (shock) and he said to send the train times to his sister. I wake up at 1:57am and try and call him … phone dead (no surprise) and he’s obviously not here. Annoyingly though he had text me at 2am from his sisters phone but because I put my phone down and tried to go back to sleep I did not realise until 2:50am.

“babe I didn’t make it but I’m getting a lift home ok love you so much. Ps: Don’t eat the lasagne. Sweet Dreams”

Well no shit sherlock obviously I know you didn’t ‘make it’, but why?? Why am I not his priority? Why leave it till 2 fucking AM to send me a text that quite frankly shows I am just a second thought! See now I am writing this I’m wondering if I am over-reacting, at least he text (theres been a million and one times where I havent even got that), but my point is….. I haven’t seen him for a week. What could have possibly been his reasoning for ‘not making it’ and I tell him like a fucking fool how I couldn’t wait to see him. He moans at me for throwing his kindness back in his face… what has he just done to me?!?!

Well his lasagne can go in the bin, notice how I don’t get a time on tomorrow either and knowing him it’ll be late. So much for him wanting to spending the whole weekend with me. I’m working saturday so he can stay there…. I’m not being disturbed again tomorrow night. He disturbs me being here, disturbs me when he’s meant to be here and isn’t and I am much better off just not expecting him and just having him not around me at all. Then he gets all emotional when I say I’m not missing him…. why would I miss someone who does this?? I’m used to being on my own and I much rather be on my own with no stress. I don’t stress as there is no wondering where he is or what time he’s going to show up. I don’t have to fear what type of mood he’s in and I can watch what ever I want on the TV. Oh and not to mention the whole bed to myself.

4am now and I’m still not tired at all, had some more lasagne before I even wrote this lol… perks of being pregnant right.

Wish I had some chocolate !!

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